Turkey Pick-up lines.....OMG!

"Are those breasts real?"
"Wanna go back to my place and get sauced?"
"Have you lost weight or did they just start carving you already?"
"Fancy a pluck?"
"I did my share of flocking around when I was younger, but now it's time to settle down, not lose my head, and find a hen who wants me for more than my pecker."
"It takes me four and a half hours to really get cookin'."
"Aren't you tired of being cooped up here?"
"Hey baby, wanna help me get the juice out of my baster?"
"PLEEEAAASSSEEE!! I'm honestly gonna die Thursday!"
And the best turkey pick up line is !!

"Is that your pop-up timer, or are you just happy to see me?"

Things that sound dirty on Thanksgiving, but aren't

"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
"Just reach in and grab the giblets."
"Whew...that's one terrific spread!"
"I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"
"Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
"Talk about a HUGE breast!"
"And he forces his way into the end zone!"
"She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."
"It's cool whip time!"
"If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"
and the best one that sounds dirty at Thanksgiving but isn't . .

"It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."

Four, Four, Four, Four...

A) Four places that I go to over and over
Work, Wal-Mart, Home, Sharmaine's



B) Four people who e-mail me(regularly):
Boo Bear, Sharmaine, Tracy, Bob Kells


C) Four of my favorite places to eat:
The 99 Restaurant, Cheesecake Factory, Kitty's, Annie’s Overflow

D) Four places I would rather be right now:

Provincetown Mass., Rifle Colorado, On horseback in the woods, Back in my homeland, where I could meet my parents.



(E) Four people who will respond:
. John, Mikey, Sharmaine, Tracy



F) Four TV shows I watch.:
NCIS, South Park, Family Guy, Stoli Be Real

Random blog.

As many of you may or may not know, the woman I call my mother is not my birth mother, DUH! They come home from my sister’s place, and I’m already in the process of cleaning. I stop to tell my Father that the town has shut off the water supply(sewer work), and was wondering if we knew how long it was going to last. I turn to put two cans of hash away, and my mother says, “when are you going to put this stuff away, You know I can’t stand to have stuff around the house.” Now I will be the first to admit to you that here in Mass, I am not a clean person. I throw my shit on the floor, and leave it until the next time I need it. But when I travel, or am elsewhere, I am anal about my stuff, and who touches it. But my mother’s idea of a clean house is that of one from the Country home and Garden mags. I can’t see how anyone would want to live in a home that doesn’t look lived in, but that’s her idea of comfortable living. Me, I don’t mind a ripped couch, or a dented floor, as long as the roof isn’t leaking, I’m cool. I can’t stand this, and once again,(Yes John, this is about the 1000th time now) I’ve been kicked out. I’m free to have my “fun” in NH, after all, not everyone can spend money every weekend on travel. I’m sorry, but I’m working on keeping a relationship, and this one is going to stay. We are on our eight month, and if my mother doesn’t like it she can Fuck off. I’ve had it with her shit, her biased way, just because we are gay, and I’m tired of being a second rate citizen. I’ve worked too hard to try to fit in, and know what it’s like to be the odd man out. When I think of my mother, I think of my old Catholic School Bully Mark. The kid who used to push me down and punch me because I was Asian. I was told to stick to my own kind. I wasn’t allowed to be friends with the other white kids in school, and that’s why I left the Catholic School system. I had to fight to become an American Citizen, me a Child, who was brought over, had to declare why I had a right to be here. If it was up to me, I’d rather be in a Korean Institution, never allowed to see what the outside world was like. But instead I was adopted to a psychotic mother, who believes what is normal is in her mind. I have no doubt that I will face more physical challenges in my life as I age. I know that I will eventually require double hip, knee and ankle replacements, because of childhood dysphasia. I also know that because of my diabetes, my kidneys are likely to kick out at anytime. But Why should I have to fight with my folks. My father, God bless him, loves Shawn, but won’t stand up to my mother. It’s times like these when McDonalds is looking better by the day. Anything to get my ass out of this house. Maybe I should spend the nights/days in my car, drive to different rest areas, and sleep. Maybe I need to do that, and get out of this house. Something needs to be done, and I’m working at finding a solution, but nothing is showing up. I am not a quitter, and failure is not an option. I’ve invested a lot into the relationship I have now, and I am not the same old person I was two years ago. But I do need to take drastic measures.

Judge me not

Judge me on the contents of my character, and not the colour of my skin.
Judge me on the contents of my character, And not the clothes i wear.
Judge me on the contents of my character, And not the words i use.
Judge me on the contents of my character, And not the music i listen to.
Judge me on the contents of my character, And not the car I drive.
Judge me on the contents of my character, And not the company I keep.
Judge me on the contents of my character, And not the Job I keep.
Judge me on the contents of my character, And not the sex of my partner.
Judge me on the contents of my character, Or judge me not.

Honor

I am a firm believer in Chi, and Honor. Being adopted, I have lost some honor and dignirty because i am not being raised in my homeland or culture. But I will never know this for sure, until the day that I actually visit Korea. I have had alot to deal with growing up, IE, visiting courtrooms, halfways homes, and shelters, all to see my sister Mary. From the age to 8 she has been a problem in the family, and this is where i formed my attraction(plutonic) to cops. I was there for her, and yet, when it comes to me needing a family member supporter, she shys away, nice. There's one thing to remember about honor, as many asians believe, you bring honor to your family. But I have had to come to the realization that This is not true. ONLY I CAN BRING HONOR to MYSELF. My family, and friends cannot bring honor to me, it all lays upon myself. You know destiny is a funny thing, we have no absolute control over it. All we can do is do things that influence our destiny. Just the random thoughts of the day.



Slante'

Kim Chung-Ro

It's been a while

It's been a while since i last posted, and or made a video, so here I am, posting again to say i am not dead...yet. No I am not suicidal, but there are some concerns in my life that have made me come to the realization that something needs to change.

As some of you know, ok, as all of you know, I've been looking for a job in the NH area for a while, with no luck. Well there is a position at the local hospital that is open that i am applying for. While it's not my type of work, it's work none the less. And the health bennies, Damn! If i have to take a size-able pay cut for this job, i just may do that. You see, it's been three months since i last saw the doc for my diabetes, and that visit wasn't good. I've been on the decline for a year, and haven't been doin' well. When i was diagnosed at the age of 18 i took my meds, and was serious about testing three times a day. My A1C was about a 7 and I was fairly healthy. Last year, I went to the doctor, and my A1C was a 12.8 and my doc gave me a 5-7 year time line before i'd be on dialysis and 10-12 year period before i would be dead or need full time hospital care. I'm fucking 22, how sick is that to think I could be dead in ten years. But you know what, maybe i want that...Maybe i am tired of the stresses in life, and maybe I've been trying to kill myself. When I last went to the doc 6 months ago, my doc told me I needed to go on insulin, and if i didn't within 3 years I'd be on dialysis, and 5-7 years dead.

My folks are pressing the issue of me being gay, and are making it some sort of issue. In reality being gay isn't an issue at all, and is fine. But if it really was fine, would kissing, holding hands and hugging in public really be such a big deal? I mean I'd love the chance to hug and kiss Shawn like Tara and John do in public, without the fear of being bashed. Well back to my folks, it seems to be that they will accept Shawn when it's convenient to them, like when we installed the radio in my car. It's a cheap system, but it was a project Shawn and i did together(ok mostly Shawn) and we worked together for a common goal. I in turn learned a lot, and got a kick ass system, and Shawn did something he enjoyed, and got to see something he did, bring pleasure to someone he cares about. Isn't that what relationships are about? Enjoying the little things together? Why can't they see that for once, I have trust in another person, I love another person, and that person loves me.

I've had my SIR/Masters, and guys who told me what to do, when to eat, and who to see. Shawn doesn't do any of that, and still at times, I almost expects him to do that. But it's not in him, it's not who he is. I need to focus in on who I"m with now, and stop thinking about who I've been with. It is for this reason that IK choose to live. I choose to fight, not only for my rights, but for my life. Even if Shawn was to dump me, I'd still want to live, because he has given me hope. He has shown me that not all men are dicks. Then there's my bro, Mike. Mike is not the first guy you'd picture me liking. And I will admit that I used to avoid and bash guys like Mike, but here I am on the same side, and the tables are turned. How can i bash a guy like myself? ok, so he's not a hyper masculine biker/leather guy, who walks around with the ghetto attitude, but he is a man, and one cool one at that. Oh and urrr, i guess we do share an interest in leather...LOL! I know, TMI.

Mike has shown me a softer side, and has offered me a unique friendship that I cannot describe. He has offered advise when I've needed it, and is not afraid to be open and honest. Well, I am at work, and I will have to post a part two.



Peace out,

Slante'

Kim-Chung-Ro

Oh to be back on the street again

Man these videos bring back many memories. If i had a nickel for every time I dragged on my harley, or raced my dodge. I've said enough.





So i am no longer racing illegally, and i do not need the tickets. Besides, I know Shawn would kill me if he knew I was doing it again.

Random facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you
would have produced enough sound energy to heat one
cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to create the energy of an
atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!) Sounds like Shawn.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)Shawn's secnd fact.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head
before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a
hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head
is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by
ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)I'm glad I'm gay.


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like
a human jumpin g the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality
over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.... ..)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years
longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) Shawn's on his way.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

And people wonder Why I worry.

Watching this video, makes me sick. It hurts me to know that I as a gay man cannot hold Shawn's hand in public, let alone kiss him. Who are you to say that I will not get into Heaven? And who are you to say there even is a Heaven? When my sister was going through her drug days, I turned to the church as any "good cradle Catholic" would. There I began my formation into vocations, and even looked into the priesthood. Yeah, just what we need another gay priest, but truth be told, we are ever where. Well as i was searching for my "calling" I knew I had to come to terms with my sister's drug use. Though I did not agree, I still accepted her as my sis. I know this is a bad example, because hell hard shit fucks you up, and well, let's face it, being in a committed relationship isn't harmful. Why can't we all agree to disagree? It's stuff like this that makes me almost afraid to hold Shawn's hand in public, or even kiss him, and I do not do so, to show off, rather, I do so because I love him. I will continue to hold his hand, and yes, even kiss him, because something needs to be done, and people need to see that there's nothing wrong with us. A VLOG may follow this post.

Dead end at the Job Fair

So the Job fair sucked, and there were only a few employers represented there. Sucks, but I am not letting this bring an end to my search. I will be damned if I cannot find a job in NH! Mark my words, from this moment on, I will do anything i can to find a job.

Re-uniting with my band, after several months.

Admittedly, I neglected attending band practice because I just didn't feel like going. I had lost interest in the politics of being in a band. I play music fr music's sake, not to please "Mr. XYZ." Though I compete in music, I do so for the comments. Well anyways back to the band. I walked in and the pipers all turned and looked at me, I almost shit my pants. Chris S. said, "Look who showed up, it's out plug and play member." Hey, he didn't call me the "bi member," I now amy knows, but ho knows who else knows. He then proceeded to explain to the newer members that I am a piper, tenor and bass drummer. It made me happy to hear that, but not in the look at me sense, but rather, the "I'm home" sense. The group of guys I currently play with do not make up the best band in the area, but we are a close group of guys. We have alot of older guys, and no, I am not attracted to all of them. I have my guy and he's all I want.

So back to the band, Amy mentioned that she had seen a video of the band playing the old comp set at the New Hampshire Higland Games, and she noticed how painfully slow we were playing it. She looked over at me, and said, "thanks Chris." Leave it to a drummer to show the pipers their wrong doings. LOL! Well she mentioned to the other pipers that I had posted the video on youtube, and the pipers thought it was cool. Now my dirty little secrete is out

Well when practice was over, I pulled Amy aside and asked her if I could talk to her, she said yes, and so we went to a corner of the room. I explained to her that my living situation was soon to change, and she said, "yeah, to NH?" I replied with a yeah, and the official move will happen as soon as I have a job up there, she was cool with it, and wished me luck. I made it clear that I was committing myself for the rest of the season, and who knows, maybe the following seasons, for comps only. Amy was glad, and didn't want to put me out, so she said, let's see how it works out to have you travel all that way. At this point I got the hint that She knows that I'd be moving in with Shawn. As we walked back to the group, I said thanks for scaring the shit out of me on youtube. She winked and said no problem. I guess I will take it that she is ok with me being gay. Score one for the home team.

I'm basically brain dead right now, and it's all I can do to write this, and edit vids. Catch ya later.

BMX bloopers

Ah, the fond memories of crashing. I can't tell you how many times I've done these things, but I can tell you they were fun, and I did pay for each one.

I'm not doing that...

This is how the conversation with my Father went when he got home...(Bold is me)

"What are you doing up?"
"I'm waiting to see if I'm getting a call today, they have a possible jb match for me. I may take it."
"Cool"
"By the way, I want to contact the local PFLAG chapter and talk with them, to see what it's like down here, and see if you'd feel comfortable there, I'm willing to go with you if you want."
"I'm not doing that, that's the gay thing, right?"
"ok, do what you want."


They may not see the hate, but as the saying goes, "You can't see the forest through the trees. I am honestly tired, and hurt, i am sick of all of this. I am seriously considering finding a gay support group for myself. I was depressed, and didn't like being so, and i know i am falling back into that same world. I feel sick, dirty, and un-wanted here. John and Tara are my only touch with reality. For much of my life, I was told to act older, more mature, and be propper. With John i am able to be a normal 22 year old. It makes me feel good, and is a vacation from my life here in Ma. I am getting to the point where i really want nothing to do with my family, and yet I am torn because I love my niece and Nephews. I will try to post a video on youtube, look for it.

What wikipedia has to say about my relationship, and what I have to say.

Disclaimer, We are not your typical gay couple. Shawn is 27 years my senior, and I am 22, do the math. We have a father(Daddy)/son dynamic to our relationship, but are not confined to it. I consider us a bear/cub couple, but again we do not restrict ourselves to such labels. Hope you enjoy this, and learn a bit more about us.


According to wikipedia, "A Daddy in gay culture is an older man sexually involved in a relationship or having a sexual interest in a younger man or son (gay culture). The age gap may differ, but the relationship involves the traditional parental hierarchy of father-son dynamics, the daddy providing emotional support and guidance along with sexual encouragement and nurturing to the inexperienced and vulnerable partner. The typical interpretation usually includes the dad taking the sexual role of top (sex) while the bottom (sex) role is ascribed to the son, though actually many relationships work the other way round or have no such strict behavioural categories rooted in anal sex."

While this is true about Shawn and myself, there are many other factors that play into our relationship. In many ways Shawn is the Father I wished I had growing up, But I know I am suffering from the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. So instead of getting into some sick idea of incest, I am thankful that Shawn came into my life when he did. He fulfills the need in my life for a strong masculine father figure. I strive to please him, not as a slave, or bottom, but rather as a "mentee", or son. I love it when Shawn shows me a new concept, or shows me a new experience. Shawn is teaching me to let go, and live life as it happens. This is not easy for me but i am working on it. Shawn is the top, and I am the bottom, but our roles are not as black and white as you may think. But the bedroom talk will stay there, and you, my friend will just have to use your imagination. Now being a bottom does not mean that I am less masculine, it only means that I allow my partner to take control of the situation. Much of my childhood, I had to initiate my own interests. If I say something I liked, I'd look it up, and then try it. This is how I got started in yo-yo's and into BMX. My parents simply watched, they never forced anything on me.
My father is what people my age would generally call pussy whipped. If he's alone he'll be one of the guys, if he's with my ma, he does whatever she wants. For a kid who grew up idolizing cops, and marines, this was a severe shock to how I viewed my father's masculinity. It also made me question my own masculine image. Around this time, as I stated before, I found myself in abusive relationships, and i stayed in them because I believed that was what i deserved. Well that has changed since meeting Shawn. I have found a man with whom I can be emotional with, and still be a "man" around. While foolin' around one time we pushed my limits a bit too far, and I broke down. I kept on telling Shawn that "I was sorry, and that I had let him down." This was the beginning of me opening up to him. Since that time, I have slowly allowed myself to share personal issues, and thoughts with him. Shawn has also done the same with me. We were both open books to each other when we first met, and we both have had our share of assholes in the past. And Yes, we both were with women, and still look at them from time to time. Though we both have been with women, Shawn actually was married. Shawn can use his experience as a married man to mentor me with dealing with my own feelings. There is a certain amount of shock that one goes through after being with a girl, and then falling in love with a man. To stop myself before I totally confuse you, Shawn and I are not like any other couple you've seen or met before. I love him, and he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

This is Beautiful

Someday Shawn and I will be able to share a story like this.

BMX, the best years of my life.

For those of you who think BMX is just about being a pain in the ass to the cops, watch these vids. For those of you who knew me as a BMXer, you'll see alot of me in these vids. For those of you who wonder when I'm going to get back on my bike, the answer is soon, soon my friend.

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Gary Ellis was my childhood idol

Reacttion to a youtube video

I just watched the following video, and I have this to say...."There's a difference between who you are and what you do." Errr, excuse me? I am a gay man, and yes I "do" hav gay sex. Just like my parents are straight people, and they "do" have straight sex. I am a korean, and cannot change that, but i do the best I can with it. And yes I do do some korean things. I am a musician and I do some musical things. It is only natural to be one thing, and do the things associated to it. Bill O'Reilly put his own homophobic phrases in to his report in such a way that I feel like it'd slip over your average person's head. I am personally offended that he'd make such a comment. There is no "gay agenda." We only want equal rights, not special rights.

Harvey Fierstein

If we do so much good, whay allow a few bad apples make it worse for the rest of us? Harvey makes some good points, but it's up to us to follow tthrough. Do not let these words fall on deaf ears. pass it on.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=brvORXvfN_0

So another monday, another end to a wonderful weekend with Shawn

So I came away from this weekend with a few mixed feelings. And for what I'm about to post, I should post this on the other blog, but oh well. Sat night only one of us reached a full "happy ending" (starts with an "O" but is being called something else for the sake of the blog.) And it wasn't the dom of the relationship. That right there made me feel a bit empty, I mean as a bottom, and submissive guy, how does that speak of my "love making?" Where did i lack? Then sunday night came, and went, and that's the only thing that came, . Again, I felt like I had left Shawn down. But he just laughed it off, saying, hey, it proves that "it" is not the focus of our relationship. I struggle alot with this, not because I am a sex crazed bitch. Well I was "trained" to be one, but besides that, I just feel like that's my role as the sub bottom. Maybe I am not as over my "Training" days as I thought, but I know each day I am with Shawn, I learn something new, both about him and me. I learned this weekend that we are not your typical "gay fuck couple." We are much more than that, and are becoming something beautiful. I am seeing a man who is not only physically wonderful, but emotionally, and psychologically. Saturday evening i even had the courage to hold his hand, while walking back to the car. True, there weren't too many people around, but there's were some, and the thought of holding his hand freaked me out big time, but I did it because I knew I had to. Why should I allow the fear of others' to hinder my affection to the man I love? Too long I have been in the closet, and I need to let go and let love. It's time that I begin to let loose, and love my partner the way he deserves. The look on his eyes was priceless, and I am looking foreward to more looks like that. As I know he'll be reading this, Shawn, from this moment on, you have my word that I will do my best to not hide my love for you like i have in the past.

I am looking for the type of bear I am

I guess you could say I am Shawn's Giant Panda bear. Errr, Shawn's Giant Panda bear cub.

How I see Shawn and myself

I know Shawn and I may live together long enough to see 50 years. With strong communication, and trust, I know we can make it.

A lone wolf's howling for his pack.

There comes a time in every young animal’s life, when the parents, force the young from the nest, or den. Birds will turn their nests inside out, or may even push their young straight out of the nest. Wolves will separate from a male who crosses the pack’s order. Rabbits and cavies eat their young if they don’t leave. In the same way as animals force their young to leave, so do human parents. Well, so human parents don’t eat their young, but they do kick or force their children out and off into the big world.
Almost every day I am faced with yelling or hatred from my own parents regarding my sexuality. I am told that I am sinning, and there is no way I could possible truly love Shawn. I’m sorry, but as a gay man do I have any right to say that a man cannot ever truly love a woman? Then why should they have the right to say so? (Out side of freedom of speech) They forced me into reparative therapy when I was a teen and that only made me depressed. I was out there trying to hurt myself, and I just didn’t give two sh*ts about anything. I did the straight thing, I had a girl, and I held her hand in public, hell I even made out with her in Boston, on some stoop. Ah young love, what a beautiful ignorance! After my now Ex and I broke up (I came out to her), I chased several other women. What the hell was I thinking? Here I was, I broke up with my girlfriend of the time, because I was gay, and now I was still chasing girls. My parents believed that I was confused, and they prayed that I would turn straight. The thing is that I always knew that older men interested me, and that I would eventually end up with a man. I was in reparative for 5 years, and for a while, I was sober from my “wrong doings.” I am a strong believer in the 12 steps, and before you say I am bashing support groups, take a second look. I do admit that I was a sex addict at the time. I did need an intervention of some sort, and while this group wasn’t really for me, I was able to take the goals, and apply them to what I needed to address. Now 5 years ago I was 17, and you may be thinking, ok, he was young and horny, but no matter how horny you are, there’s nothing normal about finding 4 or more men to hook up with in one day. I can remember the day well, it was like the front door was wide open, as soon as one guy got off, and left, the next would arrive. Talk about being a slut. I new that if I continued my sex life like that, I would contract a STD, or worse, end up dead, because I had little info about the men I was meeting. I really did need the help I received. So now I am done standing up for my folks. I love them, sorta, but they are my parents, and they do not understand what it’s like to be gay. Given my history, I do understand why my parents think all gay men are sluts. I mean, turn on the TV, and its gay sex this and gay sex that, you never hear about a gay couple holding each other, because one partner is weak and needs support. You don’t hear about the heart to heart conversations that happen, when one partner is afraid to go back home. You do not hear about the fear some gay men face, when it comes to interacting with their family at home. As I said before this is my daily life, this is not being posted so you will feel bad for me, rather so you will know that not all gay men are proud with easy lives.
Now on to the topic of this blog, what does it mean to have a family. For me, family is the group of people you surround yourself with. For me, this group is a motley crew made mostly of Shawn’s family, Mike, and my buds John (with Tara) and my “dad” Red. Do the math, that’s three personal people who support me on my side. Now the road of life is a bumpy road, and there’s no easy way to navigate it. What we can do is listen to those who are more experienced than we are. Red was the first guy to have me top him and take a more dominate position with. This was not done to be a power trip, and though it was sexual, there was more behind this. Red knew of my past, and has another boy who had a similar history. But the time came when Red and I had to move on. We are still a daddy/son pairing, but are totally plutonic. Even when Red and I met for dinner, I knew I was going there for dinner only, but Red could have had other plans. He could have made up some sort of excuse, like wanna see how clean the cab is? But Red respected my boundaries, and the relationship between Shawn and me. This is not to say we didn’t have our “gay moments,” like when the waiter said, your food is coming, and Red replied with a “so am , heavy breathing and all.” My face was red, but it was all in good fun. He poked fun at me with a “Jr. you forgot how fun it was to eat out with your daddy eh?” I just smiled and blushed. When dinner was over, we shared some more chit chat, he hugged and kissed me good bye, and we went out ways. Could you ask for a better gentleman? Now enter stage right, Shawn, my boo bear. Where I am weak Shawn is strong, where Shawn is weak, I am strong. I have no doubt in my mind that he is my man, and my future husband. I see myself growing old with him, and I see us building a great life together. With Shawn I have a reason to live, and I have motivation to dream and plan. But this is where the trouble comes into play. Because of my family’s stand on homosexuality, I deal with being in or out of the closet on a daily basis. Now I am out, just read any of my blogs, or pages, but there are times where I have to F*cking hide the face that I am gay, just to please my parents. I love Shawn with all of my heart, and he makes me smile and laugh all the time, I even open up to him in way I never allowed myself to before. Yes, he was a cop, and yes I do have a uniform fetish, but that is not why I love this man. Having been a cop and yes married, Shawn is the best match for me. He knows when something is bothering me, and I have even shared some of the hell I went through when my sis was in DSS. He is understanding and is willing to help me. I am learning to let go of my fears, and allow life to take me where it wants. I worry on a daily basis about myself living up to the standards of a “good boyfriend” and question my worth as a husband. But Shawn is steadfast and stands by my side. For that I am forever thankful. All my life I’ve had to meet some standard or another, in grade school I toughened up, so I wouldn’t get my ass kicked. In middle school and high school, I became ghetto to avoid being beat up by the gangs in the local areas I hung out at. I became a closet minded, non-emotion sharing man to please my father. I was even submissive in “rough” relationship because I believe that was what I deserved. I did all these things to please others. But I am learning to live again. I am surrounding myself with people who are loving, and supportive of Shawn and myself.
Maybe I need someone to be firm like Red, and out me like he does. I want to hold Shawn’s hand so many times, but I hold back because I am not sure of my surroundings. Then when the two of us get into the car, I find out that it would have been fine. I just want to have others say, “You know what Chris, I’m glad you’re with Shawn. You two make a cute couple, I hope you two do well.” Is that too much at ask? Is it really all that bad to have a friend call you dog balls or Jr? Is it all that bad to have your boyfriend hold your hand in public and call you mini-muffin? If you have any comments on this, leave a comment, and tell me.

Why I Love Shawn

Where do I start? There are soo many reasons, and before you say sex, yeah, it's good, but that's not why. I Love Shawn because he's a good listener. He's there to call me on my shit when I need it. He's gentle, but firm(not in the pants) when I need it. Shawn makes me laugh, and makes me want to wake up each and every day. He takes my breath away, and puts a smile to my face. But most of all, Shawn is my other half, and my best bud. I love him with all i am.

Time really does fly when you're having fun.

So I got a e-mail from my daddy Red, and a weird one from some random guy on the same site that i met Shawn. So i wanted to see who was looking at my profile, and I kept looking back, 63 day ago, to be exact, was when Shawn first looked at my profile. It was about 70 days back that I first looked at his, he took a week to reply. I can't believe that I am so in love and so connected with a guy in such a short amount of time. Just about two months ago we met for the first time face to face, and Shawn actually asked to hold my hand. Here I was used to the "dom top" type of guys taking control, and here he was asking to hold my hand. Was I scared, hell yeah, but he was cute, and his smile just made me melt. Shawn even asked if I would object to him kissing me, I said no, IT was fine, and there in the parking lot of the Mall of NH, we shared our first kiss. Like the song says, "You(he) had me from hello." By the end of the date, I was saddened with the thought of going home, but I had a burning desire in my heart. I looked Shawn in the eyes, held his hand(I'm sure they were shaking), and asked if he would be my boyfriend. Obviously Shawn said yes, and I was ecstatic. Thus started the beginning of our journey and relationship. Here I sit at the computer and think about the past two months. Alot has happened, and alot has been shared. There's even been alot of growth, on both sides of the relationship. We are even growing together as a couple, which is something i always wanted, but never thought I would find. Now Two months later since our first meeting, I gave Shawn a card, with (to my shock)the exact words I wanted to say, and I once again asked for his hand in a committed partnership. Yes, ladies, I did offer him a ring, a Celtic knot ring, that symbolizes a man's journey through life. To this day I am in Shock of where I am now, but I am not complaining. I could not be happier. Will I be the one to propose? Who knows, John you have to have my back on that one. Maybe Shawn will, but What I do know is this, I am opening up more to Shawn Than I have my own family. He really is becoming my other half. Shawn if you're reading this, I love you with all of my heart!

Amazing Grace

When will we as a society see that all men(and women) are created equal? There is no The wife shall be submissive to thew husband, or vice versa. There is no, I love Shawn so I there for should settle for a second rate citizen placing. I paid my bues, and filed for citizenship like every other immigrant of this country. We call it the land of the free, and home of the brave. I say it's about time, the brave stand up for what is right, and Really make this country free.

Adoration

Maybe Dignity is the answer for me. It boggles my mind when I think that just three years ago I was "ordained" in my local parish as a canidate for the priesthood. No I do not folndle little boys, I fondly old men. But all joking aside, I try to keep a faith of some sort. I cannot see myself just dropping everything as if it was a hot pan. the following video is of adoration, when Catholics bow and pray before the blressed sacrament. The song is I surrender. Three years ago I balled my eyes out, and was noted by several priests that I was a canidate. Creepy I know, but it's true.

Ah, my FR Chris days, ok not really

Ok, so there's this org out there called dignity, and yes it's GLBT, and yes it's Catholic. Errrr, yeah, my thought exactly. WTF. But I may check it out, they seem cool, the only thing is that I'd be heading back into Boston every week, if I decide to join them. But a chance to meet other gay Catholics, that's cool with me. They even have a music ministry, and if they do contemporary music, I'd be down with that as well. Don't get me wrong, I like choir music, but i never really was a choir boy in church, I always was into the screaming guitars, and chugging bass. Well these vids represent what my church was like. These vids are from a Catholic church, and if you look closely in the first vid you'll see the blessed sacrament on the altar. This praise and worship service is known as XLT for exaltation. If you want to know more check out lifeteen.org.

Good humour

Three men were scheduled to be executed before a firing squad.
One was a muscle bear, one was a leatherman, and one was a blond twink.
They were beginning to be worried because no pardon had come from the governor.
The firing squad was imminent.

The bear suggested, "Right before they get ready to shoot us, let's shout out the name of a natural disaster and then run for our lives! Surely we'll be safe from the bullets that way.......'
All three men agreed.

It came time for the bear's execution, and the commander of the firing squad barked out the order,
"Ready! Aim!" and the bear yelled out "Tornado!" and ran for his life.

Next, it was time for the leatherman's execution, and the commander of the firing squad barked out the order,
"Ready! Aim!" and the leatherman yelled out "Hurricane!" and ran for his life.

Lastly, it was time for the blond twink's execution, and the commander of the firing squad barked out,
"Ready! Aim!" and the twink yelled out "Fire!"


NEW DRUGS

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to
hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. PAPA'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats Daddy's depression by rendering partners unconscious for up to two days.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid steroid drink for single men. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases cock size and body muscle mass, decreases intelligence, and prevents sexually transmitted disease.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-twink-otic for older men. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person and go to college. Can we get naked now?"

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a partner who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or name.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in your wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators and, of course, your favorite cruise bar.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or partner, provides the same irritation level as bitching at him.

I have a snickers

Which Penis Do You Have?

The Excedrin Penis: It's thhhhiiiiiisssss big.

The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you.

The Magnavox Penis: Smart. Very Smart.

The Life Call Penis: Its fallen and it can't get up.

The American Express Penis: Don't leave home without it.

The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis: How many licks DOES it take...?

The M & M Penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.

The Lucky Charms Penis: It's magically delicious.

The Energizer Penis: It keeps going and going...

The Right Guard Penis: Anything less is uncivilized.

The Campbells Soup Penis: Mmm mmm good.

The Kix Penis: Kid tested, mother approved.

The McDonald's Penis: Over 8 billion served.

The Ragu Penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest.

The All-State Penis: You're in good hands.

The 7-Up Penis: The UN-penis.

The Barq's Penis: The one with bite.

The Beef Penis: It's what's for dinner.

The Bud Lite Penis: Great Taste, Less Filling.

The Twizzler Penis: It makes mouths happy.

The Starburst Penis: The juice is loose.

The Timex Penis: Takes a lickin' and keeps on...

The Burger King Penis: Have it your way.

The Wendy's Penis: Where's the beef?

The Lay's Penis: Betcha can't eat just one.

The Little Ceaser's Penis: Penis!! Penis!!

The Bounty Penis: The quicker picker-upper.

The Domino's Pizza Penis: Deliver's in 30 min or less.

The Rice Krispies Penis: What does your penis say to you?

The Extra Penis: Lasts an extra extra long time.

The Charmin Penis: Dont squeeze the penis!

The Windows ME Penis: If you ask it to do too much, it'll crash.

The Virginia Slims Penis: You've come a long way, baby.

The Secret Penis: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

The Sanka Penis: Good to the last drop.

The Payday Penis: Its almost totally nuts!

The Yellow Pages Penis: Let your fingers do the walkin'.

no comment

Gay Hate, a national problem, or one on the home front?

So for those of you who know I am "Sinning." I am "dirty" and "am not in a good place with the Lord." I am outspoken, and am flaunting my sin to the world, which only makes matters worse. I am just like every other gay person out there, flaunting my sin for the Good Catholics, and Christians to see, and to be horrified by. (Ma, I love you, but with such words, of hatred to your own son, how can you question why i am soo stressed? Why are you blinded to the fact that you are tearing us apart. Why can't you see that the "words of love" you claim to share only cause me to clam up, and cause me to hate myself.) For those of you who know me, you know this is my mother. I face this Monday through Friday, and yes, sometimes on Sundays when I come home from my "F*ck buddy 'urrr boyfriend" as my mother likes to so dearly call Shawn. I am pissed that I cannot do the right thing without being harassed, or put down, and yes this is before I even leave my own home, the very place I am supposed to be safe. My mother claimed to love me, and stated; "I loved you since you were 11 months old, you were mine way before and fu, boyfriend had you. I understand you think you were born that way, and you know it's not true. You want to live a homosexual life, and i do not approve, now tell me why you are so stressed?" Yes, Shawn and I have out romantic times, who doesn't? But if she could only see the times we are sitting alone and sharing a heart to heart moment, Or if she could have only been in the room when I cried in Shawn's arms apologizing for being who i was. And she questions why I am stressed? She now, after saying that it is her place to out me to her sisters, is putting it in my hand. She thinks it's her place, because she'll be embarrassed if they ask her why she didn't tell them before. Well ma, why didn't you? You've seen the cop porn, and all those masculine men kissing. Wasn't that enough of a hint that your son is a fucking faggot? And who cares if "some one googles my name is sees that I'm gay and asks you why you didn't tell them." I'm not a pedophile, I like and have an older man in my life. You say I need to be admitted, for psychiatric help, and you're rigght. I am going nuts, and am finding it hard to live on a daily basis with your BS. If i stay here too long you just may see that your fears of me blowing my brains out are true. But I cannot do that to Shawn. I love him, and am sorry that you cannot see it. He has been there for me, and has been a helping hand when you and others make it hard for me. Ma, I'd do anytrhing to be able to walk in walmart with Shawn, holding his hand, but it's people like you who scare me. I go to reach for his hand, and think, "What if someone objects, and walks up to us?" There are time I want to touch him, and choose not to, because the thought of being harassed comes into play. Ma, I feel like a social retard because When I go up to NH, I see how loving people can be, I see the true colours of others. Hell, Shawn's sis even hugged me, his own effin' family accepts me, and you do nothing but bitch about me and him. You say you love me, but it's times like now, I think you wish I was dead, or at least out of your mind. You walked away for this most recent argument feeling like we accomplished something, but I know that the only thing that got done was the cementing my plans to get out of here asap. Then I will be dead to you. I will be out of your life, and you can go about your life without your let down of a gay son. But know this, I hope with my leaving you, you come into contact with more gays than you'd know what to do with. Then you'd know what a flamboyant homosexual is really like. You'd know what a real outspoken homosexual is really saying. You'll find out that I wasn't as bad as you thought. There were soo many vices I could have fallin' into, but chose not to. Is who I sleep with soo bad, that you can't act like a decent mother to me? You throw the Bible at me, well if you really believe in it, then stone Mary, Wendy, and myself for having pre-marital sex. Yes, your queen of a son, is calling himself a daughter, for parable purposes. Then if they survive(the Bible says stone them to death), then sell them into slavery. Go Ahead, I mean the Bible says to. If you could only see the hurt and hate you spread. You say what if, so in so knows. Tell them, I bet you I'd shock them, because they wouldn't picture me as gay, and they'd see it wasn't that bad. You throw porn in my face saying i have a problem, well ma, if you must know, I feel guilty looking at it. All I can think of is Shawn. And because of that I am not the sex animal you think I am. Gawd, get a grip. As soon as I get a job in NH, you can bet you cracker southern baptist/catholic m*ther effin' arse that I"ll be packing up and moving out.

My Gawd, when will it end?

So I subscribed to a guy on youtube, who records his boyfriend playing the pipes, Yes, I know another gay piper. We're everywhere! Well When I looked at his favs, I saw the following vid. I think the mother is taking offense at an innocent object, and she needs to learn to live a little. The objects in question are "fun straws" you know the straws that are looped, and curled. I still like them, and think they're cool. The mother thinks that two of the straws look like a certain part of genitalia meaning the penis. She filed a complaint, and well you'll have to watch the vid. My point is, when will the censorship end? if we are looking for ways to censor things, "Because they may be offensive." Then By all means, Cover everything up! No matter what you have, someone somewhere will find something offensive. I know I catch flack from some die hard Scots, who think only Scottish people should wear kilts. The old school Koreans are offended because my parents are American. Should i Buy a romantic card for Shawn, and call into Hallmark because the hearts, look like vagina's to me? And Gawd forbid I look at that, because as a gay man I am offended by them? (Ok, so I am not really, just trying to make a point) We spend so much time trying to protect our children, and yes we do need to protect them, but take the time to be a parent and talk to your children. Don't block something because you "think it's offensive, therefore everyone must think it's so." My sis Wendy has no problem with me being gay, and yes, even allows me to babysit for her. Her only question is how to explain to her children that their uncle is gay. She is not going to hide it from them, and she wants them to learn. As a parent, she is taking the task to educate them when the time is right. Shouldn't all parents be like that?

The competition season is coming.

Well I've yet to compose my 6/8 and 3/4 yunes for my Bass solo comp piece. I've also yet to compose my tenor score, for the 79th farewell. But i Do have my 2/4 march on the pipes well on it's way. Yeah for me, with any luck I should begin my competition season late, in june or july, depending on what games I have the tune done by. I would like to get in a few comps in before loon, but if I can't then I won't. I'm looking into some piobreachds and maybe a 6/8 on the pipes. Gawd I hate 6/8's. Well the following vid is a Capt. Nownam' o'wering. The 2/4 that I chose for my 2/4 march this year. The guy playing it is playing it more to the speed of 72 BPM's. I'll be playing mine more at 60, the judges around here, prefer slower music, first because it allows the piper to focus in on the tune, and secondly, it allows the judge to pick up any and all F*ck ups. As the season progresses, i will post more about it. Enjoy.

So I went to see bill

I never thought the day would come, but i guess now I have to face the music. I was originally blocked from seeing Bill, until Heather Told the staff that she wanted me there. She met me outside the room, and briefed me on what I was about to see. Bill's infection is now to the point where it is killing him. They are going to put a drain into his neck as a last ditch effort to save his life. If the drain is sufficient, then he should be in the hospital for several more weeks, and will be expected to make a full recovery. If not, then I loose a friend. Before I walked in I asked Heather What he was like before he was sedated, and she told me that all he would talk about is having me go up there. He wanted me there, he was sorry for what he had done, and that he wanted me to know that thought he shoots his mouth off, he loves me. Heather told me that she was greatful to have me there, and we both cried on each other's shoulders. Yes, I finially was able to cry in public. Though Bill was too sedated to make any real physical responses, he did shift his weight when I told I forgave him for the way he treated Shawn and myself. He did the same when I told him I was there to make amends. Gawd, Though I know my relationship with the guy was tough, I did know him for several years, and for those years, we talked on the phone on an almost daily basis. You can't just give someone like that up. Yes he was a jerk to ma at times, but there were the times when we were great friends, and he acted like a man of his age. Well back to the situation, within 24 hours, the infection began to eat away at his flesh. So they put him in emergency surgery to remove the rotted flesh. You should see the poor guy, he looks like crap. His left hand is as swollen as my calf, and his right hand is as big as my thigh. The respirator is doing all the work for him,and like i said, if the drain works, the Doctors expect a recovery. As many of you kow I hate things that are out of my hands, but I do accept them when it's something like a job. But sitting there with his family, I struggled to keep my composure, and yet the tears fell. Here I was meeting two of his daughters for the first time, and balling my eyes out infront of them. They were fine with it, and his daughter Ginny told me that she kept hearing good things about me, and all he(bill) could talk about were the hope he had for me. Ginny went as far as to offer me a place to stay, since i drove up from Ma. I thanked her, but told her I had to come back home. I am deeply saddened, and know that Imust face what happens. But at the same time, I am at peace for making amends to Bill, and letting him know I forgave him for the tthings he said. His family really wants me to be part of this, and I Told Heather, I'd do my best. She thanked me, gave me a hug, and said that she'd be praying for a safe drive home. Half way home I balled my eyes out, and I must have looked like an idiot. But i know the tears are partly sadness, but also partly joy. I'll catch ya'll later.

When a friend is ill, what do you do?

There comes a time in Life when you must face what is really important in your life. I am at one of those points now. For those of you who have read my blogs, you know that I have been at war with one of my friends, and former lovers. You can read this in "When a friend crosses the line." I was at the point of being mad with this man, and even to the point where my anger festered into hate. How could a man say such things about my boyfriend. How could he be so hurtful to me. I shared his messages, and our conversations to those around me, to see if I was wrong. I know i may have over stepped my grounds, however, they all agreed that this person was out of line. I was hurt, and was fine having nothing to do with him. Well this morning I got a call from his Wife, and I got the news that he was in the hospital again. At first, I thought, ok, and I should know why? But as the message went on, I learned the severity of the issue. He was critical last night, and may not come out alive. Wow, this is serious. Am I really willing to allow a man, who did so much for me, leave this earth without me making amends? Am I really that much of an asshole? In my heart of hearts, I know I need to make amends with this man. He was there for me when no one was there, and offered a hand up/out when I needed it. Yes, he hurt me, and my partner, but I cannot and will not allot that to keep me from seeing him. The things he said to me hurt me greatly, and I know my partner is furious with him, but i will not allow that to hinder me. I can only hope that if I were in the same situation, he'd forget the past and come to see me. I will be leaving shortly to make the trip up to Maine. I wish I didn't have to, but too many time in my life, Have I lost someone and not had the chance to say goodbye. I lost a classmate in the fifth grade to cancer, my girl, Denelsia, in High School lost her mother. I never got to say goodbye to my Grandma, but I did with my Papa, and All i can think of is the simple fact that though he was weak, deaf and mute, he held on to me with such strength. I am an emotional wreck right now, but will do my best to calm down. I have a long trip in front of me, and will be leaving shortly. I keep thinking the longer I hold off leaving for Maine, the longer he'll be around. Is this really happening to me? Is he really going to die? Do I really have to say goodbye to him? Why must life be so hard? Well it's quarter of 11 and I have been holding off too long.

funny bear vids.

My Bear code

So I guess Shawn and I are what you'd call a bear daddy/son couple. No we are not into incest, so keep your mind clean. The daddy part refers to Shawn's age, and the fact that he's the mentor in the relationship. The son part means 'm younger, and more willing to learn from him. If I was 100% submissive, and Shawn forced me into things I kinda didn't want, then I'd be more of a boy(boi). The bear part comes in because my Mr. Boo Bear is a big hairy guy. Though I too am a big guy, Because of my submissive role, and because I'm younger, I'm considered the cub. Don't get me wrong, we don't go around saying look at us as a bear couple, we are who we are, Shawn and Chris. I'm just finding ou thow to describe our relationship. BTW, before you ask, we are not barking bears. For those who do not know what I am talking about, Bears in the bear community tend to "woof" if they like something. I'm sorry, but since when have bears "woofed?" Is there a barking bear out there in nature that I don't know about?
Well the point of this post was to show that I am a bit of a dork. I decided to look up "bear culture" and there I found the bear code. I made my own, and challenge you to do the same. Here's my code.....
Your bearcode is: B4 c++ e f- g++ k+ m q-- r+ s-- w+


Here's the link to make your own... http://www.resourcesforbears.com/nbcs/gennbcs.html

online predators

"We should have a law enforcement agency to handle online sexual predators." Isn't that why we have vice squads? RE: guys acting like children, I know that the guys I chatted to as a kid were older, and I knew it. They also knew of my age and location. Though I know I wasn't mature enough to know what I was looking for, I did know that at the time, or atleast thought at the time I wanted to be with these men. I wanted to be held by these men, and I wanted them to hold me. At a very young age I knew i wanted to touch these men, and wanted them to touch me. Here i am many years later, a gay man sharing his life with the man of his dreams, what more could I ask for?

Love survey

1. Your name: Christopher Mark Yung-Ja Kim Chung-Ro LeFave
2. Your lover's name or crush: Shawn S. Turmelle
3. Are you older or younger: I'm younger, sexier, and smarter(J/K)
4. Does age matter in your relationship?: To others, maybe, to us, not at all.
5. About how long have you been together...dating or just talking: dating, two months, just over that if you add our IM's
6. Do you love the person: Is the Pope Catholic? DUH!
7. What is one thing important to you that you would give up for him/her?: My Family, cuz mostlikely I'll have to.
8. Would you die for this person?: Without a doubt.
9. Would you lie for this person?: I doubt it'd come to that, but yes If I had to.
10. Do you plan on a future with him/her: Yes, and none of the "LTR" crap you see on-line, we're in it for the long haul.
11. Do you see kids?: Shawn has kids, I doubt i'll have them, and Yes, my buds are sad that I won't be a father. Maybe when I'm older.
12. Have you two talked about a future together: All the time, How else do you build a relationship?
13. Has this person made you cry: Triggered, yes, made me, no.
14. Who is "whipped": Neither of us. Dick whipped, that's a new one. LOL!
15. When/How did you meet: We met on-line. I messaged Shawn, and a week later, he replied.
16. Most memorable moment: Crying in Shawn's arms, that by far, was our most intimate moment.
17. What do they do to make you laugh: Shawn is himself. Gee, do I smell something? Shawn...?
18. What do they do to make you smile: Can I say that here? nah, just being my friend.
19. What do they do to make you cry: I cry, When Shawn and I are intimate. Intimate, not sexual, there's a difference.
20. What do they do to make you jealous: Looking at twinks, but it's like anyone else. I made my ex jealous when I looked at guys.
21. Do you think they love you: I know so.
22. How much do you think they love you: Enough to have me move in.
23. Do you get along with his/her freinds: Mike is becomming a great friend.
24. Do you get along with his/her family: Gawd, they floor me every time I see them.
25. Best personality trait: In him or me, Shawn is the most caring guy you'll ever meet.
26. Best physical feature: Like I say so many time, his eyes.
27. One thing you would change about him/her: Nothing.
28. One thing you would change about the relationship: The distance, I'm working on it.
29. Most romantic thing they have done for you: Held me, told me he loved me, and dried my tears.
30. Most romantic thing you have done for them: Before we met, Iwas a listening ear, I intend of doing the same for Shawn when the time comes.
31. Can you talk about anything?: Yes, I am learning to open up.
32. Funniest thing you have talked about: Gawd, maybe farting at the 9's, and seeing the wait staff's faces.
33. What would you do if they were sick: I would be at their side, taking care of them.
34. What would you do to cheer them up: Again, can I say that? Nah, just be there, as any good friend should be, and offer my love.
35. What do they do to cheer you up: Fart, errr, crack a joke, give me a hug, and stare in my eyes.
36. Can you trust this person?: Iff I cannot trust Shawn, who Can I trust?
37. Could a "EX" break you up: No, It will not happen.
38. Most important part of your relationship: Out psychological connection.
39. Can you REALLY REALLY LOVE this person: I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY love my Boo Bear.


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More things about me

*** 5 Years Ago: ***
Did you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? Girlfriend
Did you have a job? What was it? Prep cook/Delivery reciever
Had you been in an accident? BMX Crash, kinda nasty, one of many.
Who did you have a crush on? The local SGT, guy shall remain nameless, but he worked with my sis a while back.
What was your favorite possession? My Bass, no longer have.
How old were you? 17
What was your favorite band? NHPA Pipes and Drums
Did you believe in Santa Claus? Urrr, No.
Where did you hang out? The local track, near the Billerica House of Correction. LOL!
Who was your best friend? John Medwid

*** 5 Months Ago: ***
What was your favorite TV show? NCIS
Who was your best friend? John Medwid
What was your favorite band? NHPA Pipes and Drums
Did you believe in Santa Claus? No, at 21 that'd be a bit creepy.
Where did you hang out? Little Compton Police Station, no i wasn't in trouble.
Who did you have a crush on? A few guys who I knew online.
How old were you? 21, read above.
Where did you live? Tewksbury,
Did you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? No.
Did you have a job? What was it? Security

*** Today: ***
Are you single? No, Partnered, taken, whatever you want to say.
Do you know anyone who has never left their home state? Nope.
Do you have a job? What is it? Same Effin' security job.
Where do you live? Tewksbury, been here for 21 years.
Would you cry if MySpace stopped working? Hell no.
Do you know how to drive a car? Yes.


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The Angery Cub

So I was thinking about what my bud Joe told me in an e-mail. i cannot quote him, but it was something to the effect of, Dude, stop being so angery, and learn to lighten up. It's not good for you to be pissed all the time. Well I denied the charges, until I cam across this poem I wrote a few years back. I guess I do have some issues, but it's still not all that bad.

Look in the mirror; tell you what I see,
All of the things, that I want to be,
Seeing all the options that I have to choose
God I hope I will not be the one to loose.

Wanting to be of great magnitude today,
I stand here, face my self, and then start to pray,
Why do I fear what it is I don’t know,
Sitting here alone I have nothing to show.

Broken hearts, pain and lust are the life,
That I knew while I was in great strife,
Looking for love where I know it is wrong,
That is the reason why I write this song.

Knowing what I want, and what I should have done,
I’m feeling like I know what I want to become.
Living my life each day as they pass,
I’m learning not to give a damn, and you can kiss my ass.

Homophobia

A lone wolf's new life, for real

So yesterday I came home from my Boyfriend's home, and like i do every week, I prepared myself for "real life." I am always on a high at his place, and no, I'm not talking about the sex, though it is good. I am talking about the simple fact that I feel at ease there. Though his sister tried to bake me like an over stuffed apple pie, I was welcomed for a second time at her home. Maybe it was because I brought food, nah, the feelings were genuine. My biggest fear is meeting other people's families, but Shawn is showing me that is nothing to worry. Hell his nephews, niece et al were warm and friendly. Yes I was my dorky self, but i know they'll be other times where I can shine and show them the real Chris. The Chris You guys know, and the one only a few know.
As for Shawn and myself? We have a long journey ahead of us, and there's going to be some challenges. Mostly my giving up of control. If you have read my previous posts, you'd know that I take the more submissive role, but this is not true in my life. I am an anal Capricorn(keep your mind clean). I need to have my ducks in a row, and know what's going on after the current situation at hand is complete. I am not a total control freak, but I do like to have order and a sense of control in my life. I believe this comes from being adopted and growing up feeling like I had no say in where i am now. Well back to Shawn. Shawn doesn't plan his weekends, and this is when I come up to spend time with him. Can you see where this is going? Yeah, I thought so, I totally freak out when we get into his car, and I ask "where are we headed? and he replies with a "I don't know." AGH!!!!! He knows this get me, but then again, I know that I need to trust him.(another hang up from being adopted) Shawn and I are building up some great trust, but all this trust is worthless if I do not communicate to and with him. Yet another hand up, growing up, I learned to put up a mask of masculinity up. I did this so no one would know the real Chris. I was trying to protect myself from the days when I was being beaten up on the playground (thanks Catholic Schools). I know not sharing is hurting my emotional and physical health. And yet while I have trouble opening up, i know it is critical to any and all relationships. Once again I am learning to Trust Shawn, and his willingness in the relationship. We had an intimate talk Sunday evening and yes my eyes watered up. He held my head, looked me straight in my eyes, and read my feelings. Gawd I Hate it when some one can read me. Well he hit the mark, and saw that I am scared. Like a little child, I am scared of the unknown. I am worried and not sure of myself. But while I feel like I am a failure, and like i can't do what I know must be done, there's a strong man hidden inside of me. With time, and encouragement from my friends, I know this man will come out, and will allow me to grow into the human I know I can be.
WE have promised our love for each other, and yes, yet again my eyes watered. Shawn has the best eyes, and when he makes eye contact with me(or when I get the balls to look him in the eyes) his eyes go right through me. I have found a set of rings I found appropriate for us, and i hope he'll like them. They are matching because what I lack in, He's strong in, and Where Shawn is weak, I an strong. The message behind the rings will be revealed once I have them, and present them to Shawn. BTW, Boo Bear, I know you'll be reading this, so, no, you won't find out either.
Well I'm headed back to drum composition(yeah). I'll catch you all on the flip side.

Slante'

Adolescent Identity

This paper will be about the spatial relationship of adolescent identity with age, education, and how parenting affects the child’s identity. Too often adolescent children are viewed as nuisances in society, and are usually looked down upon. Their actions seem idiotic to many and some adults wonder why teens make the choices they make. For an example a store owner may follow a group of adolescent kids through his store. The only reason he can give to explain his actions is that they are a “bunch of teenagers.” What many adults fail to remember are two simple facts; the first thing is that, at one time, even the most mature, and poised adult was a teenager, and chances are that he/she made the same stupid choices that they fault teens of now. The second thing to remember is that though adolescent children may look like adults, mentally and emotionally they are still children, trying to make a name for them. It is this process of confusion, and willingness to find their place in society, that lays the foundation for what we call adolescent identity. In this paper, I will be discussing what adolescent identity is, why it is important, and how parenting styles may have an affect on adolescent development and identity.
According to Erickson’s eight stages of life, adolescence may have two possible outcomes, one positive, and one negative. The outcome is based on many factors, one of them being the struggle between identity and role-confusion. The positive outcome may be that the child is aware of his/her uniqueness of self, and has the knowledge of what role to follow. But on the other hand, the negative outcome may be the inability to identify appropriately with the roles in life.
Now you may be asking yourself, “What exactly is ‘adolescent identity’?” To put is simply, adolescent identity is how the adolescent views him/herself and their role in society. Adolescents often face tough choices like who they want to date/marry, and what career/academic path they wish to follow. Though the child is growing up and maturing, such heavy decisions and choices may cause confusion. Questions may arise. “Do I want to get married, or do I want to stay in school and obtain my degree?” may be an example of a decision an adolescent may have to process. Erickson says that this confusion may cause the child to do one of two things: first, the child may withdraw from social events, thus isolating him/herself from their peers, and the second thing is that the child may loose themselves in the crowd of peers, thus going along with what their peers want them to do. Neither one is good, but are normal occurrences in adolescent behaviour. Erickson then goes on to explain that adolescents are eager to make their own decisions, but are at the same time very afraid of making the wrong choice.
It is a common misunderstanding that age is the sole culprit when it comes to adolescent identity, but studies provided by A. Van Hoof, and Q.A.W Raaijmakers, suggests that education may have an effect on the development of adolescent identity. For example, a child in a particular curriculum may develop specific interests, and skills. These skills then influence the occupation the child is open to, thus influencing the peers he or she may associate with. This is true when one compares adolescents who receive training in academic fields of studies, to those who only receive vocational training.
Adolescent identity is important because the adolescent learns about how to deal with life, and how to make decisions on their own. Take the example from the video, “Raising Cain.” (CBS) The young men from the inner city learned to hide their feelings, and also learned to put up the “mask of masculinity.” It is this “mask” that allows the adolescents to protect themselves from being labeled as weak, or any other slur that refer to them as anything but manly.
Another factor that may weigh heavily is the role and interaction a child receives from his or her own parents. As we discussed in class, and in small group discussions, the type of parenting an adolescent receives, can and will affect his mental growth. For example, consider the following. A sixteen years old was caught speeding while out with his friends. As the officer deals with the child, he notices a case of beer, and brings all the occupants of the car in for booking. There are four different outcomes that may arise from this situation, based on what type of parenting the parents apply.
Authoritarian parents are very strict, and set very firm rules. These parents are more likely to punish the child without finding the child’s side of the story. These parents are also more likely to hit, or physically abuse their children. They generally go with the opinion of, “Do it my way, or else.” Children of authoritan parents are often incompetent, and fail to initiate activities. These children also have poor communication skills, and are very prone to compare themselves to their peers. An adolescent with this type of parenting may be afraid of what his parents will do with him or her.
Another type of parent is the authoritive parent. These parents are supportive of allowing the child to be independent, but also place rules, and limits on them. Children with authoritive parents are often socially competent, self reliant, and socially responsible. Authoritive parents often promote communication between parent and child. A child in this situation may be more willing to talk with his/her parents about why and or how they got into trouble. These parents may also be more apt to talk with their children about how to avoid the situation next time, and or how to work out the trouble they are in now.
Neglectful parents have very little interaction with their child, and therefore might not even know or care that their child is in trouble. Children of these parents show poor self control, and usually do not handle being alone very well. These children seek parental input, but because it is not there, they then turn to their peers, for support, and guidance.
The last type of parent is the indulgent parent. These parents are involved with their child, but place very few limits on them. These parents are not bad; rather, they believe that being loving parents, while allowing their children to “roam free” is the best way to rear their children. This is not the case. Often these children, have a hard time dealing with not getting their way, and have difficulty with controlling their behaviour.
In conclusion, adolescent identity is directly related with age, education and what type of parenting the child receives. Age is not the only factor that brings about maturity and emotional growth in an adolescent. The child’s peer group, education and home life greatly affect how the child will perform in society. Adolescents face a difficult struggle when faced with having to choose between good bad behaviour. Their choice will ultimately be greatly influenced by where they stand with peers, and not with what the adult “rules” are.

Larry called w/updates

Ok, so Wednesday night he called, and I hung up on him, because I was sleeping, it was only after I woke up for work did I realize who I hung up on. Now last night he called again and left a message. “Hey Chris, it’s Larry, haven’t talked to you in a while, hope all’s well, give me a call, talk to you later.” I’m sorry, but it’s been over 6 months to a year, no, it’s been a year since I last talked to this dude. I was recovering from my surgery, and he picked me up from class one day. I remember because my professor saw me outside the parking garage, with my crutches, anyways back to the blog. Larry is a nice guy, and is fun t chat with, but is also an asshole in his own right. I mean, I’ve “known” this guy for several years, and he wanted to be my daddy yet we never talked. The phone, IM and e-mail works both ways. Since I never herd from him, I never started conversations with him. He said he wanted a son, and wanted to live together, but I got the impression he was not out. Now you can have a relationship and not be out, but it does put a very hard strain on the relationship. Why am I posting this, I guess you could say I am piss and hurt. I have the love of my life now, but that is not to say I found him without any hardships, or trials. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, and abused, but I am still here and ready to face the music. I look forward to the day that I can exchange vows, and seal our love in front of family and friends. Yes, Shawn the love of my life is you. Hold on… Ok, I’m back. For some reason this guy is eating away at my emotions, and for the kid who was raised to believe that “real men don’t cry,” I find myself tearing up. I hate to allow someone free space in my mind, but I just can’t help but think of how this guy has affected me. Yes we were intimate, and yes we did have a “date,” but I guess it’s just life. How can you share so much of your self, and not have feelings for them? How can you take a young man, and promise a good life/relationship with him, and then never talk to him again. How? What type of person must you be to be able to do such a thing? Now since John and I are not, errr, shall we say together (if you get my drift) we are still good friends. We have times when we are out of touch with each other, and yes the phone stays silent for periods of time, but we still make the effort to call each other, and yes, even hang out. For those reading this, who don’t know John, he’s straight, and has his girl, Tara.

*UPDATE* Larry has yet to call back, how sad. I doubt that he realized what he has lost. Normally I would have wondered what was wrong with me, or what I did wrong., But I now see that he is the one with the problem, not I. Larry, if you’re reading this, I had high hopes in you. I enjoyed talking with you, and I felt like I could get to know you better, but only hearing from you a few times a year is not good enough for me. I need good firm communications, I also need a daddy who is out, so that I may someday feel comfortable with who I am. Part of me wishes that things could have been different, but then again I don’t. Thanks to you showing either you’re a huge dick, or your lack of interest, I now have the love of my life. And if you haven’t figured it out, our pic is on my profile on daddylover. Mr. Dadsway, I want you to know that this son is off limits, and is now taken. Shawn challenges me, and even God forbid talks to me. We share intimate thoughts and feelings, isn’t that what real partners do? He’s kinky enough to keep my mind running, and he’s comfortable with it. He pushes my limits but knows enough to not push me over the edge. Point I’m trying to make here, is this, Larry, you had your chance, I was willing, but you were not. I wanted someone to pick me up and be my daddy, but you passed me by. I was picked up by Shawn and we are happy, and in love. He’s out and I am learning so much from him. Larry if you do call again, I will answer, and I will treat you as a man, and with the respect you deserve. I will not be a dick to you as you were to me. Shawn, if you’re reading this, know that I love you and am glad that you took the chance to meet me. Without that, none, I mean NONE of this would be possible today. I love you Boo Bear.

Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound, the reflection on my life.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.


(I do see myself as a failure, and many times wonder why i am around if i cannot do or fulfill my dreams. I know i have a purpose for being here, but as to why exactly, I do not know. I believe that it is by the Grace of God that I am still here. Yes there even was a time when i was legally blind, but for some unexplained reason i can see. In fact i have improved from a 20/200 vision to 20/40 binocular vision without surgery. How can you explain that?)


T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.


(I cannot tell you how many times pops had called me, because he either "Saw" me doing harm to myself, or he because he felt like something was going to happen to me. For example, i was depressed, and met this guy on-line he was far beyond my kink limits, but i didn't care, i just wanted to "connect" with someone. Well pops got the feeling that i was going to be in trouble, and he prayed for my safety. On the day we were supposed to meet, the guy e-mailed me, and said that he didn't want to be with me, as he "wasn't interested in me anymore." Weird huh?)


Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.


(For those of you who know me, I have been in many situations where i am surprised that i am safe and here today. Ive been let down, lied to, mocked, and led to believe i was worthless. I was depressed, and it took much hard work before i realized that I was worthy of life. For the longest time I hated myself, and hated the fact that no one understood me. Now i take pleasure in the fact that no one understands me. Well everyone but one person. Well, ok a few. The only people until not who have been able to crack my mask of masculine image were cops. Now i guess you the reader can see through the mask as well. I Remember the cops telling my mother, after dealing with my sister to watch out for me. Not because they thought a 7 year old would do much harm, but because they knew that 7 year old was bonded with the sister they were taking away. They told my parents, that I wouldn't see it as the police taking her away, but rather my parents sending her off. For many years, i would not accept the fact that my sis needed help, and believed she was in DSS lock up because my parents didn't want her. I doubt you know how hard it is to go from living with you sis(when she was home, and no running away) to having 15 minutes a month, with a social worker watching the two of you. Do you know how it feels to have to sign in just to see your sister. Have you felt the pain knowing it'd be another week maybe, to be able to see your sister. If you want to know part of the reason i was depressed, it wasn't totally because of my sexuality, it was because my family was broken growing up. We often fought, or were calling the cops, because we'd come home and find my sister missing. And instead of telling me what was happening and why, I was sent to my room, because my parents thought it was the right thing to do. But throughout my life I have always had a cop in my life in some way or another. And yes, my Boo Bear is a retired cop, and yes he reads me like an open book. It freaks me out because he can read me so well, but I know that being open to him is the only way I can find inner peace and true healing.)


The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.


(As a Catholic I was raised that God has a plan for me. Though at this point in my life i fail to see any real structure in my life, I know I must press on. I do however have a strong other half, and he does inspire me and drives me forward in life. For years I wanted and prayer for the right man to come along, take my hand and say, "it's ok, come with me son." Though I am not his biological son, and yes he does have kids of his own, i do see and feel some changes on my out look of me as a whole. In being more open with Shawn I am finding it easier to be more open with my Father. With being more open with my Father, my mother is actually coming around, and is being a bit more civil.)


Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

(I always feared, what would happen if my husbear died before me, would i be willing to continue life? I can say without a doubt that Because of Shawn, if it comes to the point where he leaves before me, I know that I will be able to continue on with life. I would miss him, and at this point i doubt i would date after him, but i know I would keep on living.)


When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.


(, I sit back at the beginning of the blog. What can I say, I am still a stressed out heart attack city guy, but i know things are looking up for me. I fear one of these days I am going to pass out at Shawn's, or better yet, have a sugar attack, and be drunk and weak on his sofa. I am doing my best to avoid it, but I cannot guarantee it won't happen. I know some one's been looking out for me, I just cannot say who. But I know who ever is out there, is doing something, i have Shawn in my life, and I couldn't not be happier.)


Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.


(Just when I was going to give up, and really work on being straight, Shawn comes into my life. He showed me what being gay really means, and even how to communicate when you're too ashamed to. Boo Bear, I love you.)

This is where my ma's mind is.

Some day I know she'll learn to accept Shawn and maybe love him as she does my bro-in-law. Lord knows my bro-in-law isn't the most masculine man around. But hey, anythings possible.

Vids I wish my folks would watch