Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound, the reflection on my life.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.


(I do see myself as a failure, and many times wonder why i am around if i cannot do or fulfill my dreams. I know i have a purpose for being here, but as to why exactly, I do not know. I believe that it is by the Grace of God that I am still here. Yes there even was a time when i was legally blind, but for some unexplained reason i can see. In fact i have improved from a 20/200 vision to 20/40 binocular vision without surgery. How can you explain that?)


T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.


(I cannot tell you how many times pops had called me, because he either "Saw" me doing harm to myself, or he because he felt like something was going to happen to me. For example, i was depressed, and met this guy on-line he was far beyond my kink limits, but i didn't care, i just wanted to "connect" with someone. Well pops got the feeling that i was going to be in trouble, and he prayed for my safety. On the day we were supposed to meet, the guy e-mailed me, and said that he didn't want to be with me, as he "wasn't interested in me anymore." Weird huh?)


Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.


(For those of you who know me, I have been in many situations where i am surprised that i am safe and here today. Ive been let down, lied to, mocked, and led to believe i was worthless. I was depressed, and it took much hard work before i realized that I was worthy of life. For the longest time I hated myself, and hated the fact that no one understood me. Now i take pleasure in the fact that no one understands me. Well everyone but one person. Well, ok a few. The only people until not who have been able to crack my mask of masculine image were cops. Now i guess you the reader can see through the mask as well. I Remember the cops telling my mother, after dealing with my sister to watch out for me. Not because they thought a 7 year old would do much harm, but because they knew that 7 year old was bonded with the sister they were taking away. They told my parents, that I wouldn't see it as the police taking her away, but rather my parents sending her off. For many years, i would not accept the fact that my sis needed help, and believed she was in DSS lock up because my parents didn't want her. I doubt you know how hard it is to go from living with you sis(when she was home, and no running away) to having 15 minutes a month, with a social worker watching the two of you. Do you know how it feels to have to sign in just to see your sister. Have you felt the pain knowing it'd be another week maybe, to be able to see your sister. If you want to know part of the reason i was depressed, it wasn't totally because of my sexuality, it was because my family was broken growing up. We often fought, or were calling the cops, because we'd come home and find my sister missing. And instead of telling me what was happening and why, I was sent to my room, because my parents thought it was the right thing to do. But throughout my life I have always had a cop in my life in some way or another. And yes, my Boo Bear is a retired cop, and yes he reads me like an open book. It freaks me out because he can read me so well, but I know that being open to him is the only way I can find inner peace and true healing.)


The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.


(As a Catholic I was raised that God has a plan for me. Though at this point in my life i fail to see any real structure in my life, I know I must press on. I do however have a strong other half, and he does inspire me and drives me forward in life. For years I wanted and prayer for the right man to come along, take my hand and say, "it's ok, come with me son." Though I am not his biological son, and yes he does have kids of his own, i do see and feel some changes on my out look of me as a whole. In being more open with Shawn I am finding it easier to be more open with my Father. With being more open with my Father, my mother is actually coming around, and is being a bit more civil.)


Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

(I always feared, what would happen if my husbear died before me, would i be willing to continue life? I can say without a doubt that Because of Shawn, if it comes to the point where he leaves before me, I know that I will be able to continue on with life. I would miss him, and at this point i doubt i would date after him, but i know I would keep on living.)


When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.


(, I sit back at the beginning of the blog. What can I say, I am still a stressed out heart attack city guy, but i know things are looking up for me. I fear one of these days I am going to pass out at Shawn's, or better yet, have a sugar attack, and be drunk and weak on his sofa. I am doing my best to avoid it, but I cannot guarantee it won't happen. I know some one's been looking out for me, I just cannot say who. But I know who ever is out there, is doing something, i have Shawn in my life, and I couldn't not be happier.)


Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.


(Just when I was going to give up, and really work on being straight, Shawn comes into my life. He showed me what being gay really means, and even how to communicate when you're too ashamed to. Boo Bear, I love you.)