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Gay Hate, a national problem, or one on the home front?

So for those of you who know I am "Sinning." I am "dirty" and "am not in a good place with the Lord." I am outspoken, and am flaunting my sin to the world, which only makes matters worse. I am just like every other gay person out there, flaunting my sin for the Good Catholics, and Christians to see, and to be horrified by. (Ma, I love you, but with such words, of hatred to your own son, how can you question why i am soo stressed? Why are you blinded to the fact that you are tearing us apart. Why can't you see that the "words of love" you claim to share only cause me to clam up, and cause me to hate myself.) For those of you who know me, you know this is my mother. I face this Monday through Friday, and yes, sometimes on Sundays when I come home from my "F*ck buddy 'urrr boyfriend" as my mother likes to so dearly call Shawn. I am pissed that I cannot do the right thing without being harassed, or put down, and yes this is before I even leave my own home, the very place I am supposed to be safe. My mother claimed to love me, and stated; "I loved you since you were 11 months old, you were mine way before and fu, boyfriend had you. I understand you think you were born that way, and you know it's not true. You want to live a homosexual life, and i do not approve, now tell me why you are so stressed?" Yes, Shawn and I have out romantic times, who doesn't? But if she could only see the times we are sitting alone and sharing a heart to heart moment, Or if she could have only been in the room when I cried in Shawn's arms apologizing for being who i was. And she questions why I am stressed? She now, after saying that it is her place to out me to her sisters, is putting it in my hand. She thinks it's her place, because she'll be embarrassed if they ask her why she didn't tell them before. Well ma, why didn't you? You've seen the cop porn, and all those masculine men kissing. Wasn't that enough of a hint that your son is a fucking faggot? And who cares if "some one googles my name is sees that I'm gay and asks you why you didn't tell them." I'm not a pedophile, I like and have an older man in my life. You say I need to be admitted, for psychiatric help, and you're rigght. I am going nuts, and am finding it hard to live on a daily basis with your BS. If i stay here too long you just may see that your fears of me blowing my brains out are true. But I cannot do that to Shawn. I love him, and am sorry that you cannot see it. He has been there for me, and has been a helping hand when you and others make it hard for me. Ma, I'd do anytrhing to be able to walk in walmart with Shawn, holding his hand, but it's people like you who scare me. I go to reach for his hand, and think, "What if someone objects, and walks up to us?" There are time I want to touch him, and choose not to, because the thought of being harassed comes into play. Ma, I feel like a social retard because When I go up to NH, I see how loving people can be, I see the true colours of others. Hell, Shawn's sis even hugged me, his own effin' family accepts me, and you do nothing but bitch about me and him. You say you love me, but it's times like now, I think you wish I was dead, or at least out of your mind. You walked away for this most recent argument feeling like we accomplished something, but I know that the only thing that got done was the cementing my plans to get out of here asap. Then I will be dead to you. I will be out of your life, and you can go about your life without your let down of a gay son. But know this, I hope with my leaving you, you come into contact with more gays than you'd know what to do with. Then you'd know what a flamboyant homosexual is really like. You'd know what a real outspoken homosexual is really saying. You'll find out that I wasn't as bad as you thought. There were soo many vices I could have fallin' into, but chose not to. Is who I sleep with soo bad, that you can't act like a decent mother to me? You throw the Bible at me, well if you really believe in it, then stone Mary, Wendy, and myself for having pre-marital sex. Yes, your queen of a son, is calling himself a daughter, for parable purposes. Then if they survive(the Bible says stone them to death), then sell them into slavery. Go Ahead, I mean the Bible says to. If you could only see the hurt and hate you spread. You say what if, so in so knows. Tell them, I bet you I'd shock them, because they wouldn't picture me as gay, and they'd see it wasn't that bad. You throw porn in my face saying i have a problem, well ma, if you must know, I feel guilty looking at it. All I can think of is Shawn. And because of that I am not the sex animal you think I am. Gawd, get a grip. As soon as I get a job in NH, you can bet you cracker southern baptist/catholic m*ther effin' arse that I"ll be packing up and moving out.

My Gawd, when will it end?

So I subscribed to a guy on youtube, who records his boyfriend playing the pipes, Yes, I know another gay piper. We're everywhere! Well When I looked at his favs, I saw the following vid. I think the mother is taking offense at an innocent object, and she needs to learn to live a little. The objects in question are "fun straws" you know the straws that are looped, and curled. I still like them, and think they're cool. The mother thinks that two of the straws look like a certain part of genitalia meaning the penis. She filed a complaint, and well you'll have to watch the vid. My point is, when will the censorship end? if we are looking for ways to censor things, "Because they may be offensive." Then By all means, Cover everything up! No matter what you have, someone somewhere will find something offensive. I know I catch flack from some die hard Scots, who think only Scottish people should wear kilts. The old school Koreans are offended because my parents are American. Should i Buy a romantic card for Shawn, and call into Hallmark because the hearts, look like vagina's to me? And Gawd forbid I look at that, because as a gay man I am offended by them? (Ok, so I am not really, just trying to make a point) We spend so much time trying to protect our children, and yes we do need to protect them, but take the time to be a parent and talk to your children. Don't block something because you "think it's offensive, therefore everyone must think it's so." My sis Wendy has no problem with me being gay, and yes, even allows me to babysit for her. Her only question is how to explain to her children that their uncle is gay. She is not going to hide it from them, and she wants them to learn. As a parent, she is taking the task to educate them when the time is right. Shouldn't all parents be like that?

The competition season is coming.

Well I've yet to compose my 6/8 and 3/4 yunes for my Bass solo comp piece. I've also yet to compose my tenor score, for the 79th farewell. But i Do have my 2/4 march on the pipes well on it's way. Yeah for me, with any luck I should begin my competition season late, in june or july, depending on what games I have the tune done by. I would like to get in a few comps in before loon, but if I can't then I won't. I'm looking into some piobreachds and maybe a 6/8 on the pipes. Gawd I hate 6/8's. Well the following vid is a Capt. Nownam' o'wering. The 2/4 that I chose for my 2/4 march this year. The guy playing it is playing it more to the speed of 72 BPM's. I'll be playing mine more at 60, the judges around here, prefer slower music, first because it allows the piper to focus in on the tune, and secondly, it allows the judge to pick up any and all F*ck ups. As the season progresses, i will post more about it. Enjoy.

So I went to see bill

I never thought the day would come, but i guess now I have to face the music. I was originally blocked from seeing Bill, until Heather Told the staff that she wanted me there. She met me outside the room, and briefed me on what I was about to see. Bill's infection is now to the point where it is killing him. They are going to put a drain into his neck as a last ditch effort to save his life. If the drain is sufficient, then he should be in the hospital for several more weeks, and will be expected to make a full recovery. If not, then I loose a friend. Before I walked in I asked Heather What he was like before he was sedated, and she told me that all he would talk about is having me go up there. He wanted me there, he was sorry for what he had done, and that he wanted me to know that thought he shoots his mouth off, he loves me. Heather told me that she was greatful to have me there, and we both cried on each other's shoulders. Yes, I finially was able to cry in public. Though Bill was too sedated to make any real physical responses, he did shift his weight when I told I forgave him for the way he treated Shawn and myself. He did the same when I told him I was there to make amends. Gawd, Though I know my relationship with the guy was tough, I did know him for several years, and for those years, we talked on the phone on an almost daily basis. You can't just give someone like that up. Yes he was a jerk to ma at times, but there were the times when we were great friends, and he acted like a man of his age. Well back to the situation, within 24 hours, the infection began to eat away at his flesh. So they put him in emergency surgery to remove the rotted flesh. You should see the poor guy, he looks like crap. His left hand is as swollen as my calf, and his right hand is as big as my thigh. The respirator is doing all the work for him,and like i said, if the drain works, the Doctors expect a recovery. As many of you kow I hate things that are out of my hands, but I do accept them when it's something like a job. But sitting there with his family, I struggled to keep my composure, and yet the tears fell. Here I was meeting two of his daughters for the first time, and balling my eyes out infront of them. They were fine with it, and his daughter Ginny told me that she kept hearing good things about me, and all he(bill) could talk about were the hope he had for me. Ginny went as far as to offer me a place to stay, since i drove up from Ma. I thanked her, but told her I had to come back home. I am deeply saddened, and know that Imust face what happens. But at the same time, I am at peace for making amends to Bill, and letting him know I forgave him for the tthings he said. His family really wants me to be part of this, and I Told Heather, I'd do my best. She thanked me, gave me a hug, and said that she'd be praying for a safe drive home. Half way home I balled my eyes out, and I must have looked like an idiot. But i know the tears are partly sadness, but also partly joy. I'll catch ya'll later.

When a friend is ill, what do you do?

There comes a time in Life when you must face what is really important in your life. I am at one of those points now. For those of you who have read my blogs, you know that I have been at war with one of my friends, and former lovers. You can read this in "When a friend crosses the line." I was at the point of being mad with this man, and even to the point where my anger festered into hate. How could a man say such things about my boyfriend. How could he be so hurtful to me. I shared his messages, and our conversations to those around me, to see if I was wrong. I know i may have over stepped my grounds, however, they all agreed that this person was out of line. I was hurt, and was fine having nothing to do with him. Well this morning I got a call from his Wife, and I got the news that he was in the hospital again. At first, I thought, ok, and I should know why? But as the message went on, I learned the severity of the issue. He was critical last night, and may not come out alive. Wow, this is serious. Am I really willing to allow a man, who did so much for me, leave this earth without me making amends? Am I really that much of an asshole? In my heart of hearts, I know I need to make amends with this man. He was there for me when no one was there, and offered a hand up/out when I needed it. Yes, he hurt me, and my partner, but I cannot and will not allot that to keep me from seeing him. The things he said to me hurt me greatly, and I know my partner is furious with him, but i will not allow that to hinder me. I can only hope that if I were in the same situation, he'd forget the past and come to see me. I will be leaving shortly to make the trip up to Maine. I wish I didn't have to, but too many time in my life, Have I lost someone and not had the chance to say goodbye. I lost a classmate in the fifth grade to cancer, my girl, Denelsia, in High School lost her mother. I never got to say goodbye to my Grandma, but I did with my Papa, and All i can think of is the simple fact that though he was weak, deaf and mute, he held on to me with such strength. I am an emotional wreck right now, but will do my best to calm down. I have a long trip in front of me, and will be leaving shortly. I keep thinking the longer I hold off leaving for Maine, the longer he'll be around. Is this really happening to me? Is he really going to die? Do I really have to say goodbye to him? Why must life be so hard? Well it's quarter of 11 and I have been holding off too long.

funny bear vids.

My Bear code

So I guess Shawn and I are what you'd call a bear daddy/son couple. No we are not into incest, so keep your mind clean. The daddy part refers to Shawn's age, and the fact that he's the mentor in the relationship. The son part means 'm younger, and more willing to learn from him. If I was 100% submissive, and Shawn forced me into things I kinda didn't want, then I'd be more of a boy(boi). The bear part comes in because my Mr. Boo Bear is a big hairy guy. Though I too am a big guy, Because of my submissive role, and because I'm younger, I'm considered the cub. Don't get me wrong, we don't go around saying look at us as a bear couple, we are who we are, Shawn and Chris. I'm just finding ou thow to describe our relationship. BTW, before you ask, we are not barking bears. For those who do not know what I am talking about, Bears in the bear community tend to "woof" if they like something. I'm sorry, but since when have bears "woofed?" Is there a barking bear out there in nature that I don't know about?
Well the point of this post was to show that I am a bit of a dork. I decided to look up "bear culture" and there I found the bear code. I made my own, and challenge you to do the same. Here's my code.....
Your bearcode is: B4 c++ e f- g++ k+ m q-- r+ s-- w+


Here's the link to make your own... http://www.resourcesforbears.com/nbcs/gennbcs.html

online predators

"We should have a law enforcement agency to handle online sexual predators." Isn't that why we have vice squads? RE: guys acting like children, I know that the guys I chatted to as a kid were older, and I knew it. They also knew of my age and location. Though I know I wasn't mature enough to know what I was looking for, I did know that at the time, or atleast thought at the time I wanted to be with these men. I wanted to be held by these men, and I wanted them to hold me. At a very young age I knew i wanted to touch these men, and wanted them to touch me. Here i am many years later, a gay man sharing his life with the man of his dreams, what more could I ask for?

Love survey

1. Your name: Christopher Mark Yung-Ja Kim Chung-Ro LeFave
2. Your lover's name or crush: Shawn S. Turmelle
3. Are you older or younger: I'm younger, sexier, and smarter(J/K)
4. Does age matter in your relationship?: To others, maybe, to us, not at all.
5. About how long have you been together...dating or just talking: dating, two months, just over that if you add our IM's
6. Do you love the person: Is the Pope Catholic? DUH!
7. What is one thing important to you that you would give up for him/her?: My Family, cuz mostlikely I'll have to.
8. Would you die for this person?: Without a doubt.
9. Would you lie for this person?: I doubt it'd come to that, but yes If I had to.
10. Do you plan on a future with him/her: Yes, and none of the "LTR" crap you see on-line, we're in it for the long haul.
11. Do you see kids?: Shawn has kids, I doubt i'll have them, and Yes, my buds are sad that I won't be a father. Maybe when I'm older.
12. Have you two talked about a future together: All the time, How else do you build a relationship?
13. Has this person made you cry: Triggered, yes, made me, no.
14. Who is "whipped": Neither of us. Dick whipped, that's a new one. LOL!
15. When/How did you meet: We met on-line. I messaged Shawn, and a week later, he replied.
16. Most memorable moment: Crying in Shawn's arms, that by far, was our most intimate moment.
17. What do they do to make you laugh: Shawn is himself. Gee, do I smell something? Shawn...?
18. What do they do to make you smile: Can I say that here? nah, just being my friend.
19. What do they do to make you cry: I cry, When Shawn and I are intimate. Intimate, not sexual, there's a difference.
20. What do they do to make you jealous: Looking at twinks, but it's like anyone else. I made my ex jealous when I looked at guys.
21. Do you think they love you: I know so.
22. How much do you think they love you: Enough to have me move in.
23. Do you get along with his/her freinds: Mike is becomming a great friend.
24. Do you get along with his/her family: Gawd, they floor me every time I see them.
25. Best personality trait: In him or me, Shawn is the most caring guy you'll ever meet.
26. Best physical feature: Like I say so many time, his eyes.
27. One thing you would change about him/her: Nothing.
28. One thing you would change about the relationship: The distance, I'm working on it.
29. Most romantic thing they have done for you: Held me, told me he loved me, and dried my tears.
30. Most romantic thing you have done for them: Before we met, Iwas a listening ear, I intend of doing the same for Shawn when the time comes.
31. Can you talk about anything?: Yes, I am learning to open up.
32. Funniest thing you have talked about: Gawd, maybe farting at the 9's, and seeing the wait staff's faces.
33. What would you do if they were sick: I would be at their side, taking care of them.
34. What would you do to cheer them up: Again, can I say that? Nah, just be there, as any good friend should be, and offer my love.
35. What do they do to cheer you up: Fart, errr, crack a joke, give me a hug, and stare in my eyes.
36. Can you trust this person?: Iff I cannot trust Shawn, who Can I trust?
37. Could a "EX" break you up: No, It will not happen.
38. Most important part of your relationship: Out psychological connection.
39. Can you REALLY REALLY LOVE this person: I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY love my Boo Bear.


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More things about me

*** 5 Years Ago: ***
Did you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? Girlfriend
Did you have a job? What was it? Prep cook/Delivery reciever
Had you been in an accident? BMX Crash, kinda nasty, one of many.
Who did you have a crush on? The local SGT, guy shall remain nameless, but he worked with my sis a while back.
What was your favorite possession? My Bass, no longer have.
How old were you? 17
What was your favorite band? NHPA Pipes and Drums
Did you believe in Santa Claus? Urrr, No.
Where did you hang out? The local track, near the Billerica House of Correction. LOL!
Who was your best friend? John Medwid

*** 5 Months Ago: ***
What was your favorite TV show? NCIS
Who was your best friend? John Medwid
What was your favorite band? NHPA Pipes and Drums
Did you believe in Santa Claus? No, at 21 that'd be a bit creepy.
Where did you hang out? Little Compton Police Station, no i wasn't in trouble.
Who did you have a crush on? A few guys who I knew online.
How old were you? 21, read above.
Where did you live? Tewksbury,
Did you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? No.
Did you have a job? What was it? Security

*** Today: ***
Are you single? No, Partnered, taken, whatever you want to say.
Do you know anyone who has never left their home state? Nope.
Do you have a job? What is it? Same Effin' security job.
Where do you live? Tewksbury, been here for 21 years.
Would you cry if MySpace stopped working? Hell no.
Do you know how to drive a car? Yes.


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The Angery Cub

So I was thinking about what my bud Joe told me in an e-mail. i cannot quote him, but it was something to the effect of, Dude, stop being so angery, and learn to lighten up. It's not good for you to be pissed all the time. Well I denied the charges, until I cam across this poem I wrote a few years back. I guess I do have some issues, but it's still not all that bad.

Look in the mirror; tell you what I see,
All of the things, that I want to be,
Seeing all the options that I have to choose
God I hope I will not be the one to loose.

Wanting to be of great magnitude today,
I stand here, face my self, and then start to pray,
Why do I fear what it is I don’t know,
Sitting here alone I have nothing to show.

Broken hearts, pain and lust are the life,
That I knew while I was in great strife,
Looking for love where I know it is wrong,
That is the reason why I write this song.

Knowing what I want, and what I should have done,
I’m feeling like I know what I want to become.
Living my life each day as they pass,
I’m learning not to give a damn, and you can kiss my ass.

Homophobia

A lone wolf's new life, for real

So yesterday I came home from my Boyfriend's home, and like i do every week, I prepared myself for "real life." I am always on a high at his place, and no, I'm not talking about the sex, though it is good. I am talking about the simple fact that I feel at ease there. Though his sister tried to bake me like an over stuffed apple pie, I was welcomed for a second time at her home. Maybe it was because I brought food, nah, the feelings were genuine. My biggest fear is meeting other people's families, but Shawn is showing me that is nothing to worry. Hell his nephews, niece et al were warm and friendly. Yes I was my dorky self, but i know they'll be other times where I can shine and show them the real Chris. The Chris You guys know, and the one only a few know.
As for Shawn and myself? We have a long journey ahead of us, and there's going to be some challenges. Mostly my giving up of control. If you have read my previous posts, you'd know that I take the more submissive role, but this is not true in my life. I am an anal Capricorn(keep your mind clean). I need to have my ducks in a row, and know what's going on after the current situation at hand is complete. I am not a total control freak, but I do like to have order and a sense of control in my life. I believe this comes from being adopted and growing up feeling like I had no say in where i am now. Well back to Shawn. Shawn doesn't plan his weekends, and this is when I come up to spend time with him. Can you see where this is going? Yeah, I thought so, I totally freak out when we get into his car, and I ask "where are we headed? and he replies with a "I don't know." AGH!!!!! He knows this get me, but then again, I know that I need to trust him.(another hang up from being adopted) Shawn and I are building up some great trust, but all this trust is worthless if I do not communicate to and with him. Yet another hand up, growing up, I learned to put up a mask of masculinity up. I did this so no one would know the real Chris. I was trying to protect myself from the days when I was being beaten up on the playground (thanks Catholic Schools). I know not sharing is hurting my emotional and physical health. And yet while I have trouble opening up, i know it is critical to any and all relationships. Once again I am learning to Trust Shawn, and his willingness in the relationship. We had an intimate talk Sunday evening and yes my eyes watered up. He held my head, looked me straight in my eyes, and read my feelings. Gawd I Hate it when some one can read me. Well he hit the mark, and saw that I am scared. Like a little child, I am scared of the unknown. I am worried and not sure of myself. But while I feel like I am a failure, and like i can't do what I know must be done, there's a strong man hidden inside of me. With time, and encouragement from my friends, I know this man will come out, and will allow me to grow into the human I know I can be.
WE have promised our love for each other, and yes, yet again my eyes watered. Shawn has the best eyes, and when he makes eye contact with me(or when I get the balls to look him in the eyes) his eyes go right through me. I have found a set of rings I found appropriate for us, and i hope he'll like them. They are matching because what I lack in, He's strong in, and Where Shawn is weak, I an strong. The message behind the rings will be revealed once I have them, and present them to Shawn. BTW, Boo Bear, I know you'll be reading this, so, no, you won't find out either.
Well I'm headed back to drum composition(yeah). I'll catch you all on the flip side.

Slante'

Adolescent Identity

This paper will be about the spatial relationship of adolescent identity with age, education, and how parenting affects the child’s identity. Too often adolescent children are viewed as nuisances in society, and are usually looked down upon. Their actions seem idiotic to many and some adults wonder why teens make the choices they make. For an example a store owner may follow a group of adolescent kids through his store. The only reason he can give to explain his actions is that they are a “bunch of teenagers.” What many adults fail to remember are two simple facts; the first thing is that, at one time, even the most mature, and poised adult was a teenager, and chances are that he/she made the same stupid choices that they fault teens of now. The second thing to remember is that though adolescent children may look like adults, mentally and emotionally they are still children, trying to make a name for them. It is this process of confusion, and willingness to find their place in society, that lays the foundation for what we call adolescent identity. In this paper, I will be discussing what adolescent identity is, why it is important, and how parenting styles may have an affect on adolescent development and identity.
According to Erickson’s eight stages of life, adolescence may have two possible outcomes, one positive, and one negative. The outcome is based on many factors, one of them being the struggle between identity and role-confusion. The positive outcome may be that the child is aware of his/her uniqueness of self, and has the knowledge of what role to follow. But on the other hand, the negative outcome may be the inability to identify appropriately with the roles in life.
Now you may be asking yourself, “What exactly is ‘adolescent identity’?” To put is simply, adolescent identity is how the adolescent views him/herself and their role in society. Adolescents often face tough choices like who they want to date/marry, and what career/academic path they wish to follow. Though the child is growing up and maturing, such heavy decisions and choices may cause confusion. Questions may arise. “Do I want to get married, or do I want to stay in school and obtain my degree?” may be an example of a decision an adolescent may have to process. Erickson says that this confusion may cause the child to do one of two things: first, the child may withdraw from social events, thus isolating him/herself from their peers, and the second thing is that the child may loose themselves in the crowd of peers, thus going along with what their peers want them to do. Neither one is good, but are normal occurrences in adolescent behaviour. Erickson then goes on to explain that adolescents are eager to make their own decisions, but are at the same time very afraid of making the wrong choice.
It is a common misunderstanding that age is the sole culprit when it comes to adolescent identity, but studies provided by A. Van Hoof, and Q.A.W Raaijmakers, suggests that education may have an effect on the development of adolescent identity. For example, a child in a particular curriculum may develop specific interests, and skills. These skills then influence the occupation the child is open to, thus influencing the peers he or she may associate with. This is true when one compares adolescents who receive training in academic fields of studies, to those who only receive vocational training.
Adolescent identity is important because the adolescent learns about how to deal with life, and how to make decisions on their own. Take the example from the video, “Raising Cain.” (CBS) The young men from the inner city learned to hide their feelings, and also learned to put up the “mask of masculinity.” It is this “mask” that allows the adolescents to protect themselves from being labeled as weak, or any other slur that refer to them as anything but manly.
Another factor that may weigh heavily is the role and interaction a child receives from his or her own parents. As we discussed in class, and in small group discussions, the type of parenting an adolescent receives, can and will affect his mental growth. For example, consider the following. A sixteen years old was caught speeding while out with his friends. As the officer deals with the child, he notices a case of beer, and brings all the occupants of the car in for booking. There are four different outcomes that may arise from this situation, based on what type of parenting the parents apply.
Authoritarian parents are very strict, and set very firm rules. These parents are more likely to punish the child without finding the child’s side of the story. These parents are also more likely to hit, or physically abuse their children. They generally go with the opinion of, “Do it my way, or else.” Children of authoritan parents are often incompetent, and fail to initiate activities. These children also have poor communication skills, and are very prone to compare themselves to their peers. An adolescent with this type of parenting may be afraid of what his parents will do with him or her.
Another type of parent is the authoritive parent. These parents are supportive of allowing the child to be independent, but also place rules, and limits on them. Children with authoritive parents are often socially competent, self reliant, and socially responsible. Authoritive parents often promote communication between parent and child. A child in this situation may be more willing to talk with his/her parents about why and or how they got into trouble. These parents may also be more apt to talk with their children about how to avoid the situation next time, and or how to work out the trouble they are in now.
Neglectful parents have very little interaction with their child, and therefore might not even know or care that their child is in trouble. Children of these parents show poor self control, and usually do not handle being alone very well. These children seek parental input, but because it is not there, they then turn to their peers, for support, and guidance.
The last type of parent is the indulgent parent. These parents are involved with their child, but place very few limits on them. These parents are not bad; rather, they believe that being loving parents, while allowing their children to “roam free” is the best way to rear their children. This is not the case. Often these children, have a hard time dealing with not getting their way, and have difficulty with controlling their behaviour.
In conclusion, adolescent identity is directly related with age, education and what type of parenting the child receives. Age is not the only factor that brings about maturity and emotional growth in an adolescent. The child’s peer group, education and home life greatly affect how the child will perform in society. Adolescents face a difficult struggle when faced with having to choose between good bad behaviour. Their choice will ultimately be greatly influenced by where they stand with peers, and not with what the adult “rules” are.

Larry called w/updates

Ok, so Wednesday night he called, and I hung up on him, because I was sleeping, it was only after I woke up for work did I realize who I hung up on. Now last night he called again and left a message. “Hey Chris, it’s Larry, haven’t talked to you in a while, hope all’s well, give me a call, talk to you later.” I’m sorry, but it’s been over 6 months to a year, no, it’s been a year since I last talked to this dude. I was recovering from my surgery, and he picked me up from class one day. I remember because my professor saw me outside the parking garage, with my crutches, anyways back to the blog. Larry is a nice guy, and is fun t chat with, but is also an asshole in his own right. I mean, I’ve “known” this guy for several years, and he wanted to be my daddy yet we never talked. The phone, IM and e-mail works both ways. Since I never herd from him, I never started conversations with him. He said he wanted a son, and wanted to live together, but I got the impression he was not out. Now you can have a relationship and not be out, but it does put a very hard strain on the relationship. Why am I posting this, I guess you could say I am piss and hurt. I have the love of my life now, but that is not to say I found him without any hardships, or trials. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, and abused, but I am still here and ready to face the music. I look forward to the day that I can exchange vows, and seal our love in front of family and friends. Yes, Shawn the love of my life is you. Hold on… Ok, I’m back. For some reason this guy is eating away at my emotions, and for the kid who was raised to believe that “real men don’t cry,” I find myself tearing up. I hate to allow someone free space in my mind, but I just can’t help but think of how this guy has affected me. Yes we were intimate, and yes we did have a “date,” but I guess it’s just life. How can you share so much of your self, and not have feelings for them? How can you take a young man, and promise a good life/relationship with him, and then never talk to him again. How? What type of person must you be to be able to do such a thing? Now since John and I are not, errr, shall we say together (if you get my drift) we are still good friends. We have times when we are out of touch with each other, and yes the phone stays silent for periods of time, but we still make the effort to call each other, and yes, even hang out. For those reading this, who don’t know John, he’s straight, and has his girl, Tara.

*UPDATE* Larry has yet to call back, how sad. I doubt that he realized what he has lost. Normally I would have wondered what was wrong with me, or what I did wrong., But I now see that he is the one with the problem, not I. Larry, if you’re reading this, I had high hopes in you. I enjoyed talking with you, and I felt like I could get to know you better, but only hearing from you a few times a year is not good enough for me. I need good firm communications, I also need a daddy who is out, so that I may someday feel comfortable with who I am. Part of me wishes that things could have been different, but then again I don’t. Thanks to you showing either you’re a huge dick, or your lack of interest, I now have the love of my life. And if you haven’t figured it out, our pic is on my profile on daddylover. Mr. Dadsway, I want you to know that this son is off limits, and is now taken. Shawn challenges me, and even God forbid talks to me. We share intimate thoughts and feelings, isn’t that what real partners do? He’s kinky enough to keep my mind running, and he’s comfortable with it. He pushes my limits but knows enough to not push me over the edge. Point I’m trying to make here, is this, Larry, you had your chance, I was willing, but you were not. I wanted someone to pick me up and be my daddy, but you passed me by. I was picked up by Shawn and we are happy, and in love. He’s out and I am learning so much from him. Larry if you do call again, I will answer, and I will treat you as a man, and with the respect you deserve. I will not be a dick to you as you were to me. Shawn, if you’re reading this, know that I love you and am glad that you took the chance to meet me. Without that, none, I mean NONE of this would be possible today. I love you Boo Bear.

Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound, the reflection on my life.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.


(I do see myself as a failure, and many times wonder why i am around if i cannot do or fulfill my dreams. I know i have a purpose for being here, but as to why exactly, I do not know. I believe that it is by the Grace of God that I am still here. Yes there even was a time when i was legally blind, but for some unexplained reason i can see. In fact i have improved from a 20/200 vision to 20/40 binocular vision without surgery. How can you explain that?)


T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.


(I cannot tell you how many times pops had called me, because he either "Saw" me doing harm to myself, or he because he felt like something was going to happen to me. For example, i was depressed, and met this guy on-line he was far beyond my kink limits, but i didn't care, i just wanted to "connect" with someone. Well pops got the feeling that i was going to be in trouble, and he prayed for my safety. On the day we were supposed to meet, the guy e-mailed me, and said that he didn't want to be with me, as he "wasn't interested in me anymore." Weird huh?)


Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.


(For those of you who know me, I have been in many situations where i am surprised that i am safe and here today. Ive been let down, lied to, mocked, and led to believe i was worthless. I was depressed, and it took much hard work before i realized that I was worthy of life. For the longest time I hated myself, and hated the fact that no one understood me. Now i take pleasure in the fact that no one understands me. Well everyone but one person. Well, ok a few. The only people until not who have been able to crack my mask of masculine image were cops. Now i guess you the reader can see through the mask as well. I Remember the cops telling my mother, after dealing with my sister to watch out for me. Not because they thought a 7 year old would do much harm, but because they knew that 7 year old was bonded with the sister they were taking away. They told my parents, that I wouldn't see it as the police taking her away, but rather my parents sending her off. For many years, i would not accept the fact that my sis needed help, and believed she was in DSS lock up because my parents didn't want her. I doubt you know how hard it is to go from living with you sis(when she was home, and no running away) to having 15 minutes a month, with a social worker watching the two of you. Do you know how it feels to have to sign in just to see your sister. Have you felt the pain knowing it'd be another week maybe, to be able to see your sister. If you want to know part of the reason i was depressed, it wasn't totally because of my sexuality, it was because my family was broken growing up. We often fought, or were calling the cops, because we'd come home and find my sister missing. And instead of telling me what was happening and why, I was sent to my room, because my parents thought it was the right thing to do. But throughout my life I have always had a cop in my life in some way or another. And yes, my Boo Bear is a retired cop, and yes he reads me like an open book. It freaks me out because he can read me so well, but I know that being open to him is the only way I can find inner peace and true healing.)


The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.


(As a Catholic I was raised that God has a plan for me. Though at this point in my life i fail to see any real structure in my life, I know I must press on. I do however have a strong other half, and he does inspire me and drives me forward in life. For years I wanted and prayer for the right man to come along, take my hand and say, "it's ok, come with me son." Though I am not his biological son, and yes he does have kids of his own, i do see and feel some changes on my out look of me as a whole. In being more open with Shawn I am finding it easier to be more open with my Father. With being more open with my Father, my mother is actually coming around, and is being a bit more civil.)


Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

(I always feared, what would happen if my husbear died before me, would i be willing to continue life? I can say without a doubt that Because of Shawn, if it comes to the point where he leaves before me, I know that I will be able to continue on with life. I would miss him, and at this point i doubt i would date after him, but i know I would keep on living.)


When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.


(, I sit back at the beginning of the blog. What can I say, I am still a stressed out heart attack city guy, but i know things are looking up for me. I fear one of these days I am going to pass out at Shawn's, or better yet, have a sugar attack, and be drunk and weak on his sofa. I am doing my best to avoid it, but I cannot guarantee it won't happen. I know some one's been looking out for me, I just cannot say who. But I know who ever is out there, is doing something, i have Shawn in my life, and I couldn't not be happier.)


Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.


(Just when I was going to give up, and really work on being straight, Shawn comes into my life. He showed me what being gay really means, and even how to communicate when you're too ashamed to. Boo Bear, I love you.)

This is where my ma's mind is.

Some day I know she'll learn to accept Shawn and maybe love him as she does my bro-in-law. Lord knows my bro-in-law isn't the most masculine man around. But hey, anythings possible.

Vids I wish my folks would watch

40 ODD Things about me

1. Do you like blue cheese?
Yup!

2. have you ever smoke heroin?
If I wanted an extreme makeover, I'd hire one of those emo/goth people at the perfume counter.

3. Do you own a gun?
Crossman 750/900 fps air rifle, will be going for a real one when I'm outta here.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic?
We have one in the area? Don't know.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Depends.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
All beef, natural casing (keep your mind clean)

7. Favorite Christmas movie?
Muppet's Christmas Carol.


8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Juice, nothing gets my sugar higher..
.
9. Can you do push ups?
Maybe, it's been a while since my last time.

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
Rings, body piercings, but only have rings for now.

12. Favorite hobby?
Playing/writing music, rocketry, animal care, crafting, and wood working.

13. Who do you tell all your secrets too?
My friend John and My Boo Bear Shawn

14. Do you have A.D.D.?
Nope. Oh flashy disk thingy, huh? ok, errr, no A.D.D here,

15. What's one trait you hate about yourself?
I'm told I'm too hard on myself.

16. Middle name(s)?
Yung-Jae, Mark, Kim Chung-Ro (Francis for my confirmation name)

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment...
1. Wow I have alot of names ;P
2. Why can't people accept the fact that somethings change.(Thanks Chris Knight)
3. I wonder How my Boo Bear is.


18. Name 4 things you bought yesterday?
1. Soda
2. Bread
3. ITUNES
4. Hemp

19. Name 4 drinks you regularly drink(In order of most to least)
1. Diet Soda
2. Water
3. Tea
4. Black Velvet(or scotch)& Ginger Ale (Thanks Boo Bear)

20. Current worry?
I worry about my health, and being around long enough for my Boo Bear, and friends.

21. Current hate right now?
close minded people, people who hide behind their religion, haters, and myself(at times)

22. Favorite place to be?
In the woods, With Shawn, On the beach, and alone.

23. How did you bring in the New Year?
Alone at work, watching youtube videos, and wondering if I'd ever find my love.


24. Where would you like to go?
Other than Ireland and Scotland? Shawn's, and maybe the woods, or beach.

25. Name three people who will complete this?
1.John
2. Mike?
3. Bill?

26. Do you own slippers?
Yes.

27. What shirt are you wearing?
topless right now:D

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
never tried it, but who said anything about sleeping?

29. Can you whistle?
nope.

30. Favorite color?
Red.

31. Would you be a pirate?
You want a kick in the arse? If I want to wear ruffles and lace, I'd be a drag queen;)

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
“The River” Garth Brooks

33. Favorite girl's name?
Sarah

34. Favorite boy's name?
Chung-Ro (means easy/light road/path)

35. What's in your pockets right now?
I'm in my boxer briefs, so nothing.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Talking to John about his packing heavy bags.

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
The fresh warm out of the dryer ones. you know, your snuggle blanket.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
While carving wood, I jammed the knife in a knot. So I forced the knife through, and straight into my finger. The blade shaved my bone, and to this day my left index goes numb on my at times.

39. Do you love where you live?
Yeah, I love living at home with my folks, NOT! Cheap rent though, LOL.

40. How many tvs do you have in your house?
Three.

Catholic article any Catholic GLBT parents should read.

You can be Catholic and gay. Maakes me think back to the days when i was in courage(A Catholic chastity program). Many of the guys, Catholic mind you, had issues with meting in the lower church in Boston. Hello, you're a Catholic, you're "going to church." No one knows it's a chastity program. No one knows you're a pervert on the computer looking at twink boys. And I bet it's safe to say no one cares too. Alot of the guys at the meetings were on meds, seeing X amout of therapists, and were so closeted, they were their worst enemy. When you are lost of hurt, the last hing you need is isolation, and yet i felt like many of these guys isolated themselves in fear of being outed. The following link is a great essay on a parents search for answers about his Child's sexuality.


http://www.fortunatefamilies.com/docs/resources/CanG&C.pdf

PFLAGS "Safe School" wish I was in one.

Students at Risk

Students who described themselves as gay, lesbian, or bisexual were significantly more likely than their peers to report attacks, suicide attempts and drug and alcohol use. When compared to peers, this group was:
over four times more likely to have attempted suicide in the past year
over four times more likely to miss school in the past month because of feeling unsafe
almost twice as likely to have been injured or threatened with a weapon at school
The purpose of Greater Boston PFLAG's Safe Schools & Communities Project is to help schools and communities establish a safe atmosphere where all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, can flourish and grow. We know that creating a safe environment for LGBT students requires work on a number of levels, such as policy development and enforcement, availability of library resources, teacher and student training, and curriculum development.

As parents, teachers, guidance counselors, administrators and health care providers, we can make our gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth feel safe and welcome. Together, our voices create affirming learning environments for all students.

Since it's beginning in 1993, the Greater Boston PFLAG Safe Schools & Communities Project speakers have reached over 100,000 people in thousands of schools, religious and community organizations and corporations. Greater Boston PFLAG makes schools safer in ways nobody else can. As families, our voices carry tremendous weight in schools.

For those who knew my past, I used to be depressed, and yes, suicidal. But when you look at where i was as a child you could see why. As a baby i never cried, and if i did, it would always be faint. Social workers told my parents that a baby will not cry, or will suppress it if it's used to being ignored. I am proud to say that I am now officially not depressed, and this is because i faced the music and am comfortable with myself as a gay man. I cannot tell you how many times I feared going to School, wondering how many time I'd hear the message of "Homosexuals are all going to hell." Think about it, you have a hard enough time in High school, why make it harder on our students, with messages like that. I mean keeping good grades, finding a date(sorry CCA, but we did date), and ugh, finding a job. With all those stresses, why force a view on students, I was always cool in school, ad always had ALL the girls on my side. Yeah, I'll admit, this is where my ex and i met, though i never got the idea she was after me until long after school, when John told me she was on myspace. Yet another reason why myspace sucks. Well i feel like i am doing alot better, but things are happening around me that are telling me differently. For example, my Bud "James" mentioned that I always had the street attitude of "F off." and has recently called me on it. He thinks i am becoming to angry, and negative. I fail to see so. The other thing i am worried about is the fact that Shawn made a statement that freaked me a bit. He said "I think if i was out of the picture you may be willing to hurt yourself." (I honestly cannot remember the exact quote, as he said it last night, and i am typing at work.) Shawn, if you're reading this, please know that I love you. It is said that success is the best revenge. To those who say my relationship will not last, i say watch us. To those who question my sanity, I say come out of the closet yourself, then speak. To those who hate me for who I love, say it to myspace, and let's see how long you're on your feet.

You're not a true cop unless you taste them.

The department was all astir, there was a lot of laughing and joking due to all the new officers, myself included, hitting the streets today for the first time. After months of seemingly endless amounts of classes, paperwork, and lectures we were finally done with the Police Academy and ready to join the ranks of our department.

All you could see were rows of cadets with huge smiles and polished badges. As we sat in the briefing room, we could barely sit still anxiously awaiting our turn to be introduced and given our beat assignment or, for the lay person, our own portion of the city to "serve and protect."

It was then that he walked in. A statue of a man - 6 foot 3 and 230 pounds of solid muscle, he had black hair with highlights of gray and steely eyes that make you feel nervous even when he wasn't looking at you. He had a reputation for being the biggest and the smartest officer to ever work our fair city. He had been on the department for longer than anyone could remember and those years of service had made him into somewhat of a legend.

The new guys, or "rookies" as he called us, both respected and feared him. When he spoke even, the most seasoned officers paid attention. It was almost a priviledge when one the rookies got to be around when he would tell one of his police stories about the old days. But we knew our place and never interrupted for fear of being shooed away. He was respected and revered by all who knew him.

After my first year on the department I still had never heard or saw him speak to any of the rookies for any length of time. When he did speak to them all he would say was, "So, you want to be a policeman do you hero?"

I'll tell you what, when you can tell me what they taste like, then you can call yourself a real policeman."

This particular phrase I had heard dozens of times. Me and my buddies all had bets about "what they taste like" actually referred to. Some believed it referred to the taste of your own blood after a hard fight. Others thought it referred to the taste of sweat after a long day's work. Being on the department for a year, I thought I knew just about everyone and everything.

So one afternoon, I mustered up the courage and walked up to him. When he looked down at me, I said "You know, I think I've paid my dues. I've been in plenty of fights, made dozens of arrests, and sweated my butt off just like everyone else. So what does that little saying of yours mean anyway?" With that, he merely stated, "Well, seeing as how you've said and done it all, you tell me what it means, hero." When I had no answer, he shook his head and snickered, "rookies," and walked away.

The next evening was to be the worst one to date. The night started out slow, but as the evening wore on, the calls became more frequent and dangerous. I made several small arrests and then had a real knock down drag out fight. However, I was able to make the arrest without hurting the suspect or myself. After that, I was looking forward to just letting the shift wind down and getting home to my wife and daughter.

I had just glanced at my watch and it was 11:55, five more minutes and I would be on my way to the house. I don't know if it was fatigue or just my imagination, but as I drove down one of the streets on my beat, I thought I saw my daughter standing on someone else's porch. I looked again but it was not my daughter as I had first thought but merely a small child about her age. She was probably only six or seven years old and dressed in an oversized shirt that hung to her feet. She was clutching an old rag doll in her arms that looked older than me.

I immediately stopped my patrol car to see what she was doing outside her house at such an hour by herself. When I approached, there seemed to be a sigh of relief on her face. I had to laugh to myself, thinking she sees the hero policeman come to save the day. I knelt at her side and asked what she was doing outside.

She said "My mommy and daddy just had a really big fight and now mommy won't wake up." My mind was reeling. Now what do I do? I instantly called for backup and ran to the nearest window. As I looked inside I saw a man standing over a lady with his hands covered in blood, her blood. I kicked open the door, pushed the man aside and checked for a pulse, but unable to find one. I immediately cuffed the man and began doing CPR on the lady.

It was then I heard a small voice from behind me, "Mr. Policeman, please make my mommy wake up." I continued to perform CPR until my backup and medics arrived but they said it was too late. She was dead.

I then looked at the man. He said, "I don't know what happened. She was yelling at me to stop drinking and go get a job and I had just had enough. I just shoved her so she would leave me alone and she fell and hit her head."

As I walked the man out to the car in handcuffs, I again saw that little girl. In the five minutes that has passed, I went from hero to monster. Not only was I unable to wake up her mommy, but now I was taking daddy away too.

Before I left the scene, I thought I would talk to the little girl. To say what, I don't know. Maybe just to tell her I was sorry about her mommy and daddy. But as I approached, she turned away and I knew it was useless and I would probably make it worse.

As I sat in the locker room at the station, I kept replaying the whole thing in my mind. Maybe if I would have been faster or done something different, just maybe that little girl would still have her mother. And even though it may sound selfish, I would still be the hero.

It was then that I felt a large hand on my shoulder. I heard that all too familiar question again, "Well, hero, what do they taste like?"

But before I could get mad or shout some sarcastic remark, I realized that all the pent up emotions had flooded the surface and there was a steady stream of tears cascading down my face. It was at that moment that I realized what the answer to his question was.

Tears.

With that, he began to walk away, but he stopped. "You know, there was nothing you could have done differently, " he said. "Sometimes you can do everything right and still the outcome is the same. You may not be the hero you once thought you were, but now you ARE a police officer."

Monday march 17th Random thoughts, sorry.

So I woke up late this morning, like around 9ish, my ma had already left for work, so i decided to call her, and take her out for lunch. I felt bad about not doing so on friday(i fell asleep). She said yes, and i figured it's a good way of being civil with her, I mean who can pass up free food. It pains me to know that she, for now, won't give my Shawn a chance, but i am doing ym bestto keep a positive mind. Shawns told me that she'll be a PFLAGer in a few years, but as of right now i don't know. This is the woman who pulled me aside at a 4-H event and told me not to make a scene. Urr, ma if you knew/remember anything about me I'm usually the laidback type of guy. Sicne when would I cause a wave. Her response to that was, well you seem to be at the point in your life. First of all, no all of us go through that point, and secondly, why the F would i do that. How many straight people to you know that walk into a room, declaring to the room declaring that they are straight. If you kow anyone who does this i honestly would question their sexuality.
So lunch with my mother was civil, but not without it's weird moments. When I mentioned Shawn's God, she replied with a "Who's Shawn, oh, him......(akward face.) Ma, I'm not fucking him in public, he's my love, and someday you'll have to accept the fact that you son is going to hell and is a faggot. Gawd. `I know my blood pressure is rising and my health must be dropping, but what can I do. I know of no jobs that are not security, and know that i couldn't afford to move ou8t on my own. My mother looked at me when i said that i was stressing, and said you're not stressing. Well ma, if I am not stressing why was it that i balled my eyes out and went into a fit at Shawns. Why is it that I always question my value as a person, and am on edge when it comes to me being me. Why is it that i feel like i cannot go out anymor in fear of being bashed, or feeling like I"m letting you guys down. I was ok with myself until you and dad decided to throw religion in my face. For so much of my life, I grew up catholis, hell botrh of my e-mail adresses start with "Catholic." Now i am seeing the evil the church is doing. I am not talking child molestation, many groups have that proble, the Catholics were only the fore runners in that issue. What I am talking about here is the splitting up of Family. I believe that God made me who i am. I also believe that certian events in my life supported, or fostered my feelings more. It is the combinatin of the two, that I believe is the reason as to why i am who i am. My father called me today on not being a Catholic. He said that I wasn't going to Mass, praying or practicing my faith. I'mn sorry dad, but since when is it ok for another man to judge my faith. I do not go to church, personally I"ve always had issues with the crowds, yeah I know it sounds weird, but i always paniced in church. And RE: prayer, i do not sit/kneel and say XYZ many Our Fathers, or Hail Marys, but i do look up to heavemn and i do talk to my God like a friend. The Christians and Charismatic Catholics(my church) state that everyone needs to have a personal relationship with God. I'm sorry, but I do not call Bill, or John up with a pre-recorded message, telling themm what my thoughts are. I do call them and tell them what's on my mind right then and there. Isn't that what love is about? The Catholic Church is taking the personal out of "Personal relationship with God." Am i denying my Faith? No, I still consider myself Christian, but I guess you could say agnostic is more along the lines. Sooner or later I will be out of the hell hole, and my folks will wonder why I don't come back. They will cry, and call, but i will refuse to answer their calls. Shawns talked with me about forgiveness of parents, but right now i can't even see being in the same roonm as them for extended periods of time. I am glad I work nights as it keeps me from being around them too much.
If I sound like an angry man I am. My folks drive me to insanity at times, and I know they'll be the death of me. The reason for my previous attempts was my parents. They use their faith as a way of "healing and moral judgement." But since when is it ok to put a football game infront of your depressed son. When is it ok to see a pileof rope in your depressed son's room, and say nothing of it. If i were to kill myself, I know the police would look into why it happened. They would ask my parents if they say any signs, and I bet you any money they would deny any signs. If you are reading this, I am not suicidal. I have the love of my life, and he's all i need. ALL my friends, and I mean ALL of then are stressing me out. A particular frined keeps telling me how much he loves me, and i cannot stress how much that creeps me out, I'm sorry, but it's true. Yes we were "close" at one time, but John doesn't say "Chris I love you." Fuch even my own Effin mother fails to do so. I just hate that, I'm sorry. My family who i thought was behind me, is not questioning my sanity, and emotional state. The only one who is not bothering me, or questioning me is my former daddy, Red Elk. Daddy, if you see this, I love you, and thank you. All I want is a good Job, and a stress free life. And right now I am running to my whits end. Well Ialm working myself up, and i am beginign to feel it. I will sign off for now, but will post more later.

First Comes Love

So I'll admit to watching wedding shows, especially First Comes Love on Logo. I'll even admit to tearing up watching other couples tying the knot. Hell I know I'll most likely tear up at my own wedding. I was watching the episode of Mike and Lane, the two gay military vets. I loved watching it, and couldn't help but think of what my day will be like. I know i am young, and i know that my relationship is fresh, but hey we're all allowed to dream. I have so many questions about being married, but know that when the time is right, I will find the answers to my questions. Until then I will work on becoming the man I know i am. I will also spend this time dealing with my family and friends. So far my only support comes from my Bud John and his Girl, and my Daddy Red. The rest of my family is supportive to a degree, they just allow their personal issues to get in the way. Well i gotta head back to work.

Slante'

Connecting with my sis

So my sis called and the next thing i know we've been talking for almost two hours straight. It was good, and i am not complaining, but wow, she only lives in the next twon over in wilmington. Well she expressed come concerns regarding my relationship with Shawn. I listened to her, and gave her feed back. She made a point to say, I am not judging you or trying to discourage you, but please know that these are my worries, and I want to make sure you know what the hell you are doing. She called me on my short relationships, and I replied that most of them were purly sexual in nature, and while they were mostly sexual, I tried to make a relationship out of them. She doesn't not understand the nature of many gay men, and how like straight men tey don't want the commitment, they only want the sex. So I told her more about Shawn and how he treats me. She's worried about the age gap, she's worried about me giving up all my dreams in order to fit in an older guy's life. She has many worries, and while she still supports me, I know that only time will show her, the love we share. BTW, My sis thinks we are moving too fast, and doesn't want me to have another ed, or gary(her ex). I will not, and I will be willing to bring Shawn around to meet my family. They need to see that he is not a pedophile, or some old pervert. They need to see him for the man he is. Boo Bear, if you're reading this, know that I love you, and am here to stay.

Slante'

The broken male

In today's society we phol high priotity on the "Masculine" male. Drive by any school and you see fathers yel;ling at their sons, to stop crying because it's not manly. God forbit a child shows his fears. I know that I will forever be broken, because there's a void in my life that will never be filled, or atleast highly unlikel. It kills me when i think about my roots, and how i will never know who my birth parents are. Is my mother young? Is she still alive? Does she think about me, or am i a forgotten thought. Does she talk about me, like we do my brother? (mis carriage, Love you John) Do I have any brothers and sisters? These questions eat me up on a daily basis, and i doubt they will ever go away. I am not a "clubby" guy as in going to the night clubs everynight, but i am a club guy as in joining bands, and associations. I do so because i always feel like I don't belong. Even in my BMX and soccer days, I was accepted by my friends but there was always that void that could never be filled. I've come to the realization that my adoptive family does love me, but they, at least my ma doesn't accept my sexuality. For as long as I can remember I was always trying to find a new daddy. As a young child i saught out the attention from an older man, and came close to meeting up with several pedophiles. But as a young boy, I thought they wanted to be my daddy, little did I know that they only wanted to get their rocks off. Needless to say I never met any of those guys. I guess someone was looking out for me.
More will follow

The Ghetto Aggie

So I show up at work and John is talking about all these games he wants to make, but complains about how he can't make them. He then goes on about how he's going to school, and how he's going to bump me into the second shift, so that he can go to school full time. I'm sorry but if you have trouble doing three classes, how are you going to do five? Well my other co-worker couldn't wait for John to leave. It's sad, the guy thinks we are his friends, and we told him repeatedly that we will be friendly and civil, but we do not share the same interest in computers and games. maybe that's why he keeps pressing it on us. Well i found out that my local vets is looking for a vet tech, and while it's not in NH, it'd at least get me out of my current job. Now Claude, my other co-worker is Haitian, and is a local hip hop artist. He does pretty good work and i could jam to his work. He and I get along well, we are both into ethnic music, and both share a mutual respect for each other's taste. Well we shared a long conversation today, and we both talked about getting out of here. He thinks i should move to NH, work with animals and play my music, Gawd he knows me. I asked him his goals, and he said he'd love to go back home to Haiti after making it big here, to help his family. I told him it was noble and we moved on in our conversation. Claude kept putting the focus on me, and though i try to redirect it, he kept asking me questions about my goals. He called me on my ghetto side, and told me to be proud of it, stating, "Brother we're cool, and it's not like you're white tryin' to be black, you have the street creds." So I was down with this, and thanked him. His only problem with me was my association with cops. But after hearing that most of my street creds came from the cops, he showed me some love and left for home. Now why can't more people be accepting of others like Claude. He loves to talk with me, because he never knows where our talks will go, and isn't that the way life should be? Well that's it for now. Peace Out Ya'll, and show me some love.
Slante'

Letter to mom

Ma,
I wanted to start off with letting you know that I love you. I know that you and dad took a risk in adopting me, and were willing to take on the possible challenges. For that I am forever thankful. I know that you are stead fast in your view of homosexuals, and I know that you say that you never will accept my relationship with Shawn. You've kicked me out of the house several times, and then wonder why I stress over my life. You ask me why I remain Catholic, stating that the Bible says that "homosexual acts are wrong." Well I remain Catholic because the very men you say uphold the teachings have told me that I can be Catholic and a homosexual. Do I practice my faith like everyone else? No, I believe in God, and deal with him in my own way. After all isn't that what a "personal faith" is all about?
You always mention the fact that you think I am not happy, and you talk about how you always cry because of this fact. I plead with you to please open your eyes, I could not be any happier. I have a solid friend in John and I have a man who loves me, and treats me like a man, and not some sex toy. Yes, ma, I did have my one night stands, and I did get used by others in the past, but that was also when I used to think little of myself. I used to believe that I was only good for the pleasure of another, and nothing else. I allowed this idea to fester in my mind until I began to entertain thoughts of being some one's slave. Now how would you feel if I allowed myself to go down that rout? Instead, I decided to look at myself as a whole person, and realise that if someone didn't like me for me, than they were not for me. I know I am worthy of love, and I am finally in a true equal relationship. We are not based on sex, or even what "package" we have, rather we are based on a mutual respect, and enjoyment of each other. You and dad both stress strong communication skills between both sides of a relationship, well I want to let you know that Shawn and I posses such skills. If something bothers one of us we talk about it, and work together on the issue at hand.
You may start thinking about my straight relationships now, and you may even consider me bisexual. Sara would never of worked, I was only interested in her physically, and i just cannot bring myself to do that to a woman. I cannot and will not share such an intimate feeling and act with a person i do not love. Katrina was my try at being a straight man. I was denying the fact that I liked men, and found myself thinking of men when i kissed her. Were these relationships/feelings false? I do not believe so. I know I had genuine feelings for both of them, they were just not marriage material feelings. Now how wrong is that. I was not giving my full self to her, and i hurt her in the process. Now ma, would you really want me to pretend to be your straight son, and be miserable all the time?
I know that i may never bring you to accept Shawn, so You have my word that I will not press the issue with you. I do find it sad that I was welcomed into his family by his father and sister(and her family) and you won't even give Shawn the courtesy of meeting him. It hurts me to know that you could be so cold to someone i care about so much. I know that in your mind you must be thinking, "here's Chris with his next boyfriend of the month." But since when has a man made such changes in my life? If you don't think there are any, look at my sugar levels, they drop by 100 points when I'm with Shawn. I thought being Christian and Catholic was about Hating the "sin" and not the sinner. Christians also believe that it's not a sin if you truly believe that what you are doing isn't wrong. For example, I do not believe that my relationship with Shawn is wrong. I am not saying this because I want to be in a relationship with him, rather I say this because it's such a natural emotion. My feelings, and emotions for Shawn are very much like how yours were when you met dad.
Well That's it for now, please read the following lyrics, and know that the child you knew is not dying, but changing and a new man is rising from the ashes.

I'm gonna clean the house
I'm gonna fix the fence
In my final hours
I'm gonna tie up these loose ends

I wont leave a note
For anyone to find
Tomorrow they'll know
What I've done here tonight

[Chorus]
The drastic steps I've takin'
Are just an act of desperation
I knew no one would miss me
So what the hell
I fought and lied I drank too much
Hurt every one I ever touched
Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell
This is not some kind of cry for help
Just good bye I wish you well
Because I love you
I'm gonna kill myself

Now who is that
In my easy chair
Now wait a minute
That's the old me sittin' there

And I thank God
The devil in me died
I stand before you now
A man changed and alive

[Chorus]

Gonna clean the house
Gonna fix that fence
In my final hours I'm gonna tie up these loose ends

Random Post, "Today's daily News"

So, I got a call from my doc's nurse Ruth, and she asked me alot of questions over the phone. Whatever happened to talking to the doc himself? Well come to find out, I sustained an injury from my days of BMX racing. They think I either cracked or broke a rib when I crashed. Now mind you this is 4 or 5 years ago, and they are just finding this now? Wow! I talked to my Father, since he was the one who actually watched me crash, and he thinks that it's the event that caused my rib problem. Now I can still wrestle, and be a typical guy, I was just cautioned that i did have an injury, and to be mindful of it.

For those of you who don't know my Boo bear recently met my Father. Yeah, Marine on Marine action, and no that was not some sort of sick porno. Last thing I need to see is my Boo Bear and father going at it (puke). Well we were talking about the meeting and he said, "I am not sure about spending more time with him right now, but in the future I could see myself getting to know him more." Score one for the home team! I then made the smart arse comment, "Dad, your future son-in-law is more masculine and manly than your current one." Hey it's true, what can I say? He just looked at me and laughed, replying with a "I'll tell Rich."

In other words, yesterday, March 10 was the deadliest day in Iraq for American Troops. Now don't get me wrong here, I support our troops, but I do not support the War. I've yet to hear word from my man Rob about his return state side, and I can only assume he's doing well. I know my Boo Bear's heart longs for the return of his son(I cannot express in words, or begin to understand what you must be feeling babe), All i can do is hope and pray. In the famous words of my friend Red Elk, "Somebody needs to shoot the a$$hole in Washington. I second that. We have been there too long, and are killing/ruining our youth.

Slante'

Scorpio, My Boo Bear's sign

Scorpio is the eighth Sign of the Zodiac. After Libra's intellectual exploration of other people, Scorpio's interest is in discovering other people's emotions and how they respond to the world around them. Scorpio is the Sign of Sex and Death, the beginning and ending of things, and they explore these ideas from an emotional standpoint. People born under this Sign are investigative and probing, often strongly intuitive and penetrating. As the eighth Sign, Scorpio also rules the eighth House: the House of Sex.

The Sign In Depth

The Astrological Symbol of Scorpio is the Scorpion. Like the mythical Scorpion, people born under this Sign tend to be strong-willed and wary of being controlled by others. At times they can be self-destructive, like the Scorpion who kills itself rather than letting someone else kill it. They are very determined, and once they've made up their minds they are unlikely to change them. They tend to be stubborn, refusing to give up when others have long since gotten bored and abandoned a project, and getting things done when no one else thought it possible. In this way, Scorpio exemplifies the Fixed Quality assigned to it. They are one of the Power Signs (the others being Taurus, Leo and Aquarius). Scorpios tend to have their own agenda, and work intensely to achieve their desires. People who wish to change a Scorpio's mind often have trouble because they can never be sure what their motivation is; Scorpios are too complex and sometimes secretive to be understood easily. Within the Zodiac, Scorpio is opposite Taurus, the Sign of Possessions. While both Signs can be possessive, Taurus is concerned with personal property and Scorpio tends to be about community resources and group investments. They are very resourceful and self-confident.
Scorpio is ruled by the Planets Mars and Pluto. In ancient Roman mythology, Mars (and his Greek equivalent, Ares) was the God of War, and ancient astrologers assigned both Aries and Scorpio to this Planet. Pluto (and his Greek equivalent, Hades) was the God of the Underworld, and when the Planet Pluto was discovered early in the 20th Century astrologers assigned Scorpio to this Planet. Under Mars' influence, Scorpio is the behind-the-scenes tactician while Aries is on the front lines. Scorpio's modern ruler, Pluto, represents Death and Endings; it's the Sign of rebirth and regeneration. When the Scorpion loses its tail, it regenerates a new stinger, and Scorpios can be reborn the same way after they suffer losses. In addition, Pluto is a strong Planet. It teaches a valuable lesson: while Scorpio has a tendency to be possessive, Pluto pulls things away.

The Element associated with Scorpio is Water. Water Signs are emotional: they tend to respond to the world through emotion, rather than physical action, practicality, or intellect. Scorpio's motto could be "still water runs deep." They may repress their emotions, but underneath they are lusty and perceptive. At times, though, Scorpio's water can be stagnant, depending on whether they use their energy in a positive or negative way. They may be vengeful or vindictive and unable to get past personal slights. Scorpios are motivated and loyal, but they are often misunderstood and people may see them as dictatorial or sarcastic. If they have an ulterior motive, they can be overbearing, but in a subtle, sly, or manipulative way. Scorpios are both mystical and scientific, a combination that makes them very aware of what is happening around them; they are a Sign of great depth. If they aren't careful, though, their passionate nature may lead them into self-indulgence or compulsion.

The myth of the Phoenix is strongly associated with the Sign of Scorpio. The Phoenix is regenerated from the ashes of its death, and it rises into the sky, reborn. The most highly evolved Scorpios aspire to be the Phoenix or Eagle, rising above the ordinary world and into something extraordinary. Suspicion and jealousy can pull them down, but passion and awareness can help them rise above this.

In their leisure time, Scorpios enjoy competition and challenge. They aren't satisfied with moving along at half speed or lowering their abilities to allow people with lesser skills to beat them. They enjoy difficult pursuits that challenge them to excel, and they refuse to settle for being anything less than the best. In love relationships, Scorpio is caring, devoted, and possessive.

Scorpio rules the reproductive organs. People born under Scorpio may be more susceptible to infections and fevers than people of other Signs. Scorpio's colors are powerful and strident, like Scorpions: black and red.

The great strength of the Scorpio-born is in their determination to see things through to the end. They refuse to allow boredom to turn them away from projects, and they are committed to accomplishing what they set out to do. Their passion and strength makes them one of the most powerful characters of the Zodiac.

capricorn facts

General behavior:
Capricorn (the goat) is the most serious of all the zodiac signs. You are independent and (usually) confident. You have a tendency to criticize yourself too much, which can lead to low self-esteem. Capricorns are dependable, but also extremely cautious. You make a fair, but stubborn leader, and this is a job that you can do well. You are very well organized, so you can handle many projects at once. You may go through horrible mood swings, being friendly one moment and mean the next.
Important Information on Capricornians

Good career choices for you are:
Financer
Banker
Manager
Conductor
Teacher/Principal
Real-estate broker


Capricornians are prone to knee problems, skin breakouts, and digestive problems.
Your ruling planet: Saturn.
The goat is associated with Capricorn.
Your lucky color: brown (and other dark colors).
Your lucky gemstone: black onyx.
Your lucky numbers : 6, 8 and 9.

Capricorn is the tenth Sign of the Zodiac. After Scorpio and Sagittarius' discovery of other people through emotion and intellect, Capricorn focuses on ascending through life through hard work. People born under this Sign are both ambitious and disciplined; determined and dedicated to achieving their goals. They are also practical and realistic, cautious not to get in over their heads. As the tenth Sign, Capricorn also rules the tenth House: the House of Social Status.

The Sign In Depth

The Astrological Symbol of Capricorn is the Sea Goat. They start from the Sea and ascend to the highest mountain tops, working their way upward with every step. While the path is not always smooth, their determination to succeed ensures they will push on. They can also be rigid and unforgiving when others stand in their way. They are business leaders, often starting businesses or coming up with new ideas. In this way, Capricorn exemplifies the Cardinal Quality assigned to it. They are conservative, rarely risking too much, but their tendency toward conformity make stifle them at times. Their organizational ability combines with their diligence to help them achieve, but they can be narrow-minded and over-critical of people not as ambitious as they are. Within the Zodiac, Capricorn is opposite Cancer, the Sign of Home. Cancer finds status within the family, while Capricorn is about social status. Their business achievement and reputation as solid citizens helps them reach a high position in society, but they may also be moralistic toward others.
Capricorn is ruled by the Planet Saturn. In ancient Roman mythology, Saturn (and his Greek equivalent, Cronus) was the father of many of the Gods, including Zeus. Saturn is about discipline, hard work, and responsibility. It rules both Capricorn and Aquarius; Capricorn is the feminine, or night aspect and Aquarius is the masculine, or day. Both Signs are about achieving goals through hard work, but Aquarius works hard to achieve their visions, while Capricorn uses hard work to gain authority and social status. Appearances are important. As a result, Capricorn is loyal and charitable, self-controlled and self-reliant, but this may also lead to inhibition or fatalism. They are dependable and serious, never giving up on their goals. Other people may see their ambition as domineering or a reflection of egotism, but they are patient and purposeful when working toward what they want.

The Element associated with Capricorn is Earth. Earth Signs are practical: they tend to respond to the world through practicality, rather than physical action, intellect, or emotion. They are the businessmen of the Zodiac, and when Earth is combined with the action-oriented Element of Fire, they become the Capricorns who start businesses and lead companies. Capricorns are economical and scrupulous, but they can also be materialistic and greedy. They tend to be conventional, rather than rebellious or flashy.

Capricorns are among the responsible and traditional Signs. They are generally reserved, careful, and stable. Sometimes they may be overly critical, even bossy, but this is due to their strong desire to achieve their goals and not to a desire to be rude. In fact, Capricorns are generally polite because they understand that making enemies will not help them achieve in life.

In their leisure time, Capricorns enjoy competition with other people. They tend to enjoy team sports, but it can be difficult for them when they lose through no fault of their own. One-on-one competition also appeals to them, and especially enjoy golf and martial arts. In love relationships, Capricorn is devoted, not daring!

Capricorn rules the knees, teeth, and bones. People born under Capricorn may be more susceptible to dental problems and broken bones than people of other Signs. Capricorn's colors are the Earthy colors of brown and khaki.

The great strength of the Capricorn-born is in their ability to set goals and keep working until they achieve them. Their ambition is inexhaustible, and they are not easily deterred when their goals are in sight. Their hard work makes them one of the most successful characters of the Zodiac.

Capricorn and Scorpio:

Scorpio needs to keep it simple with sexy intelligent Capricorn. Capricorn is fascinated with Scorpio and there is potential for lasting love. Finally, Capricorn has met someone who matches his or her stamina in and out of the bedroom.
They will find that they share many things in common and their taste in sex and work will be very similar. Sex could be very hot here and will be the incentive to keep the relationship going. Hidden agendas do not exist in the land of Capricorn, Scorpio.

Keep jealousy and games out of the picture or lose Capricorn forever. Capricorn gets better with age and is very much attracted to a prestigious lifestyle. All in all, the scenario looks very promising and sexual chemistry will last a lifetime. It only gets better with Capricorn, Scorpio! Despite their differences, these two may have met the love of their life.

Scorpio sign compatibility with Capricorn
Scorpio and Capricorn: Water and Earth. A lasting relationship, fulfilled and passionate.

Scorpio's defects, jealousy and possessiveness, are seen as qualities by Capricorn, who is often insecure and introvert. To him, these defects show love and make him/her feel safe (a highly appreciated feeling by Earth signs). On the other hand, Capricorn's realism will make you feel confident, too: the Earth is the only one that can stop Water (emotions), and the latter, in its turn, penetrates the Earth as often as possible.

Capricorn is well-known as a hardworking native, interested in his/her career and desirous of climbing the social ladder. Your goals meet at this point because you are also ambitious and feel the need to dedicate yourself to an activity.

Capricorn-Scorpio Compatibility

Neither of them expects life to be an easy road full of fun and games. Both can be dedicated, determined and hard working .In serious and practical matters, they make a good team if their goals are the same. When conflict arises, they can be deadly enemies. Since neither of them readily gives up, serious rifts will not be easily or quickly resolved between the two. Canny old Capricorns know what they're doing when they team up with Scorpios, because when a goat meets a scorpion, it's animal magic.Capricorns can be almost as sexy as Scorpios when they put their minds to it.


When it comes to love, these two can form a foundation of feelings which can last them for life. A Scorpio-Capricorn couple are like a case of claret-cardinal Capricorns who want to clamber up the ladder of success. The only problem comes if they first hurtled into each other's amorous arms in their teens, because then they might not be able to cope if they hit any hiccups. Otherwise, if they take it like the tortoise and don't hop about like the hare , they could pass the compatibility test.

Yes, I am gay, and it's not easy.

I will be writing a lot about my life, I mean what else is a blog for? If you are easily offended, than do not read, well please read, my purpose here is to share my feelings and to make you think.
When people ask me do I believe in God, I saw yes, I may even say that I see myself as a gay Catholic. I was raised a Catholic, was very involved with my youth group, and yes I even looked into entering the priesthood. I was hiding from my sexuality, and was not ashamed of it, rather, I honestly felt like I had a calling to it. And if you think I like little boys you are wrong, being gay doesn’t make you a pedophile. And if you want to know about my boyfriend, he’s 49, masculine, and the love of my life. He served as a Marine like my Father, and as a cop. Yes, you read right, a gay cop/marine, there’s more out there too. Now back to my blog. I struggled throughout my older childhood knowing that I liked older men. I never thought it was wrong, even though my parents, and many churches assume it’s wrong and evil. Hell I cannot mention the priests who have told me that it’s ok to be a gay catholic, as long as I am partnered to one man. But I have not lived like this without my own demons, and struggles. I mean When were you told that the way you were was wrong, to the point that someone told you, “ You are going to burn in Hell for who you are.” I’m sorry, but I just do not buy that. I know I was made the way I am, God did not mess up, he made me who I am. A proud gay man. So back to the struggle, I may sound like your “typical, I’m proud to be gay” guy here, but I have my reasons. You will not hear me say “I’m here and I’m queer.” But I will not allot anyone to throw me into the closet again.
I put myself in the closet to hide from the torment I was facing from my family and faith community, but never again will I allow myself to go there again. Why you ask, I will not go there again, because it did more harm to me than good. Too often you hear about men sneaking around, and claiming to be straight, when in fact they are F**king the guy in the next bathroom stall. Too many straight people think this is what it means to be gay, and I am here to be another voice to say, this is what many men in the community do, but not all. It would be like if I said all straight men are after P**sy and nothing more. So why say ALL gay men are after D*ck.
When was the last time tat you found yourself sitting alone thinking about your family with a gun in your mouth because you couldn’t share who you really were with your family and friends. When was the last time you stood on a bridge wondering who would miss you if you jumped. When was the last time you felt so alone that you felt like no one wanted to be your friend, all because of who you were attracted to. When was the lat time your parents didn’t take your depression seriously enough, that you swallowed a full bottle of pills so that they had no choice but to listen to you. This is the pain that today’s homosexuals go through. And while some may say that “society supports” us, this statement is false. Part of society is our family, and peers, and it’s this group of people that can either make or break a person. I grew up in a very strict Catholic family, and “homo fags” were to be avoided, and not acknowledged. It was this mind set that brought me to depression, and medications. I fought long and hard to get to where I am. I am now out to my immediate family, and to my close friends, everyone else is on a need to know basis. So The next time you hear a gay person stand up for who they are, think of where they might have been personally, Though I am out, my life is not easy, and one thing you’ll see as I post is that my mother greatly opposes me being gay, and my relationship with my boyfriend Shawn. Well I’m having a brain fart, and am not writing to by best caliber.
Slante’