BMX bloopers

Ah, the fond memories of crashing. I can't tell you how many times I've done these things, but I can tell you they were fun, and I did pay for each one.

I'm not doing that...

This is how the conversation with my Father went when he got home...(Bold is me)

"What are you doing up?"
"I'm waiting to see if I'm getting a call today, they have a possible jb match for me. I may take it."
"Cool"
"By the way, I want to contact the local PFLAG chapter and talk with them, to see what it's like down here, and see if you'd feel comfortable there, I'm willing to go with you if you want."
"I'm not doing that, that's the gay thing, right?"
"ok, do what you want."


They may not see the hate, but as the saying goes, "You can't see the forest through the trees. I am honestly tired, and hurt, i am sick of all of this. I am seriously considering finding a gay support group for myself. I was depressed, and didn't like being so, and i know i am falling back into that same world. I feel sick, dirty, and un-wanted here. John and Tara are my only touch with reality. For much of my life, I was told to act older, more mature, and be propper. With John i am able to be a normal 22 year old. It makes me feel good, and is a vacation from my life here in Ma. I am getting to the point where i really want nothing to do with my family, and yet I am torn because I love my niece and Nephews. I will try to post a video on youtube, look for it.

What wikipedia has to say about my relationship, and what I have to say.

Disclaimer, We are not your typical gay couple. Shawn is 27 years my senior, and I am 22, do the math. We have a father(Daddy)/son dynamic to our relationship, but are not confined to it. I consider us a bear/cub couple, but again we do not restrict ourselves to such labels. Hope you enjoy this, and learn a bit more about us.


According to wikipedia, "A Daddy in gay culture is an older man sexually involved in a relationship or having a sexual interest in a younger man or son (gay culture). The age gap may differ, but the relationship involves the traditional parental hierarchy of father-son dynamics, the daddy providing emotional support and guidance along with sexual encouragement and nurturing to the inexperienced and vulnerable partner. The typical interpretation usually includes the dad taking the sexual role of top (sex) while the bottom (sex) role is ascribed to the son, though actually many relationships work the other way round or have no such strict behavioural categories rooted in anal sex."

While this is true about Shawn and myself, there are many other factors that play into our relationship. In many ways Shawn is the Father I wished I had growing up, But I know I am suffering from the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. So instead of getting into some sick idea of incest, I am thankful that Shawn came into my life when he did. He fulfills the need in my life for a strong masculine father figure. I strive to please him, not as a slave, or bottom, but rather as a "mentee", or son. I love it when Shawn shows me a new concept, or shows me a new experience. Shawn is teaching me to let go, and live life as it happens. This is not easy for me but i am working on it. Shawn is the top, and I am the bottom, but our roles are not as black and white as you may think. But the bedroom talk will stay there, and you, my friend will just have to use your imagination. Now being a bottom does not mean that I am less masculine, it only means that I allow my partner to take control of the situation. Much of my childhood, I had to initiate my own interests. If I say something I liked, I'd look it up, and then try it. This is how I got started in yo-yo's and into BMX. My parents simply watched, they never forced anything on me.
My father is what people my age would generally call pussy whipped. If he's alone he'll be one of the guys, if he's with my ma, he does whatever she wants. For a kid who grew up idolizing cops, and marines, this was a severe shock to how I viewed my father's masculinity. It also made me question my own masculine image. Around this time, as I stated before, I found myself in abusive relationships, and i stayed in them because I believed that was what i deserved. Well that has changed since meeting Shawn. I have found a man with whom I can be emotional with, and still be a "man" around. While foolin' around one time we pushed my limits a bit too far, and I broke down. I kept on telling Shawn that "I was sorry, and that I had let him down." This was the beginning of me opening up to him. Since that time, I have slowly allowed myself to share personal issues, and thoughts with him. Shawn has also done the same with me. We were both open books to each other when we first met, and we both have had our share of assholes in the past. And Yes, we both were with women, and still look at them from time to time. Though we both have been with women, Shawn actually was married. Shawn can use his experience as a married man to mentor me with dealing with my own feelings. There is a certain amount of shock that one goes through after being with a girl, and then falling in love with a man. To stop myself before I totally confuse you, Shawn and I are not like any other couple you've seen or met before. I love him, and he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

This is Beautiful

Someday Shawn and I will be able to share a story like this.

BMX, the best years of my life.

For those of you who think BMX is just about being a pain in the ass to the cops, watch these vids. For those of you who knew me as a BMXer, you'll see alot of me in these vids. For those of you who wonder when I'm going to get back on my bike, the answer is soon, soon my friend.

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Gary Ellis was my childhood idol

Reacttion to a youtube video

I just watched the following video, and I have this to say...."There's a difference between who you are and what you do." Errr, excuse me? I am a gay man, and yes I "do" hav gay sex. Just like my parents are straight people, and they "do" have straight sex. I am a korean, and cannot change that, but i do the best I can with it. And yes I do do some korean things. I am a musician and I do some musical things. It is only natural to be one thing, and do the things associated to it. Bill O'Reilly put his own homophobic phrases in to his report in such a way that I feel like it'd slip over your average person's head. I am personally offended that he'd make such a comment. There is no "gay agenda." We only want equal rights, not special rights.

Harvey Fierstein

If we do so much good, whay allow a few bad apples make it worse for the rest of us? Harvey makes some good points, but it's up to us to follow tthrough. Do not let these words fall on deaf ears. pass it on.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=brvORXvfN_0

So another monday, another end to a wonderful weekend with Shawn

So I came away from this weekend with a few mixed feelings. And for what I'm about to post, I should post this on the other blog, but oh well. Sat night only one of us reached a full "happy ending" (starts with an "O" but is being called something else for the sake of the blog.) And it wasn't the dom of the relationship. That right there made me feel a bit empty, I mean as a bottom, and submissive guy, how does that speak of my "love making?" Where did i lack? Then sunday night came, and went, and that's the only thing that came, . Again, I felt like I had left Shawn down. But he just laughed it off, saying, hey, it proves that "it" is not the focus of our relationship. I struggle alot with this, not because I am a sex crazed bitch. Well I was "trained" to be one, but besides that, I just feel like that's my role as the sub bottom. Maybe I am not as over my "Training" days as I thought, but I know each day I am with Shawn, I learn something new, both about him and me. I learned this weekend that we are not your typical "gay fuck couple." We are much more than that, and are becoming something beautiful. I am seeing a man who is not only physically wonderful, but emotionally, and psychologically. Saturday evening i even had the courage to hold his hand, while walking back to the car. True, there weren't too many people around, but there's were some, and the thought of holding his hand freaked me out big time, but I did it because I knew I had to. Why should I allow the fear of others' to hinder my affection to the man I love? Too long I have been in the closet, and I need to let go and let love. It's time that I begin to let loose, and love my partner the way he deserves. The look on his eyes was priceless, and I am looking foreward to more looks like that. As I know he'll be reading this, Shawn, from this moment on, you have my word that I will do my best to not hide my love for you like i have in the past.

I am looking for the type of bear I am

I guess you could say I am Shawn's Giant Panda bear. Errr, Shawn's Giant Panda bear cub.

How I see Shawn and myself

I know Shawn and I may live together long enough to see 50 years. With strong communication, and trust, I know we can make it.

A lone wolf's howling for his pack.

There comes a time in every young animal’s life, when the parents, force the young from the nest, or den. Birds will turn their nests inside out, or may even push their young straight out of the nest. Wolves will separate from a male who crosses the pack’s order. Rabbits and cavies eat their young if they don’t leave. In the same way as animals force their young to leave, so do human parents. Well, so human parents don’t eat their young, but they do kick or force their children out and off into the big world.
Almost every day I am faced with yelling or hatred from my own parents regarding my sexuality. I am told that I am sinning, and there is no way I could possible truly love Shawn. I’m sorry, but as a gay man do I have any right to say that a man cannot ever truly love a woman? Then why should they have the right to say so? (Out side of freedom of speech) They forced me into reparative therapy when I was a teen and that only made me depressed. I was out there trying to hurt myself, and I just didn’t give two sh*ts about anything. I did the straight thing, I had a girl, and I held her hand in public, hell I even made out with her in Boston, on some stoop. Ah young love, what a beautiful ignorance! After my now Ex and I broke up (I came out to her), I chased several other women. What the hell was I thinking? Here I was, I broke up with my girlfriend of the time, because I was gay, and now I was still chasing girls. My parents believed that I was confused, and they prayed that I would turn straight. The thing is that I always knew that older men interested me, and that I would eventually end up with a man. I was in reparative for 5 years, and for a while, I was sober from my “wrong doings.” I am a strong believer in the 12 steps, and before you say I am bashing support groups, take a second look. I do admit that I was a sex addict at the time. I did need an intervention of some sort, and while this group wasn’t really for me, I was able to take the goals, and apply them to what I needed to address. Now 5 years ago I was 17, and you may be thinking, ok, he was young and horny, but no matter how horny you are, there’s nothing normal about finding 4 or more men to hook up with in one day. I can remember the day well, it was like the front door was wide open, as soon as one guy got off, and left, the next would arrive. Talk about being a slut. I new that if I continued my sex life like that, I would contract a STD, or worse, end up dead, because I had little info about the men I was meeting. I really did need the help I received. So now I am done standing up for my folks. I love them, sorta, but they are my parents, and they do not understand what it’s like to be gay. Given my history, I do understand why my parents think all gay men are sluts. I mean, turn on the TV, and its gay sex this and gay sex that, you never hear about a gay couple holding each other, because one partner is weak and needs support. You don’t hear about the heart to heart conversations that happen, when one partner is afraid to go back home. You do not hear about the fear some gay men face, when it comes to interacting with their family at home. As I said before this is my daily life, this is not being posted so you will feel bad for me, rather so you will know that not all gay men are proud with easy lives.
Now on to the topic of this blog, what does it mean to have a family. For me, family is the group of people you surround yourself with. For me, this group is a motley crew made mostly of Shawn’s family, Mike, and my buds John (with Tara) and my “dad” Red. Do the math, that’s three personal people who support me on my side. Now the road of life is a bumpy road, and there’s no easy way to navigate it. What we can do is listen to those who are more experienced than we are. Red was the first guy to have me top him and take a more dominate position with. This was not done to be a power trip, and though it was sexual, there was more behind this. Red knew of my past, and has another boy who had a similar history. But the time came when Red and I had to move on. We are still a daddy/son pairing, but are totally plutonic. Even when Red and I met for dinner, I knew I was going there for dinner only, but Red could have had other plans. He could have made up some sort of excuse, like wanna see how clean the cab is? But Red respected my boundaries, and the relationship between Shawn and me. This is not to say we didn’t have our “gay moments,” like when the waiter said, your food is coming, and Red replied with a “so am , heavy breathing and all.” My face was red, but it was all in good fun. He poked fun at me with a “Jr. you forgot how fun it was to eat out with your daddy eh?” I just smiled and blushed. When dinner was over, we shared some more chit chat, he hugged and kissed me good bye, and we went out ways. Could you ask for a better gentleman? Now enter stage right, Shawn, my boo bear. Where I am weak Shawn is strong, where Shawn is weak, I am strong. I have no doubt in my mind that he is my man, and my future husband. I see myself growing old with him, and I see us building a great life together. With Shawn I have a reason to live, and I have motivation to dream and plan. But this is where the trouble comes into play. Because of my family’s stand on homosexuality, I deal with being in or out of the closet on a daily basis. Now I am out, just read any of my blogs, or pages, but there are times where I have to F*cking hide the face that I am gay, just to please my parents. I love Shawn with all of my heart, and he makes me smile and laugh all the time, I even open up to him in way I never allowed myself to before. Yes, he was a cop, and yes I do have a uniform fetish, but that is not why I love this man. Having been a cop and yes married, Shawn is the best match for me. He knows when something is bothering me, and I have even shared some of the hell I went through when my sis was in DSS. He is understanding and is willing to help me. I am learning to let go of my fears, and allow life to take me where it wants. I worry on a daily basis about myself living up to the standards of a “good boyfriend” and question my worth as a husband. But Shawn is steadfast and stands by my side. For that I am forever thankful. All my life I’ve had to meet some standard or another, in grade school I toughened up, so I wouldn’t get my ass kicked. In middle school and high school, I became ghetto to avoid being beat up by the gangs in the local areas I hung out at. I became a closet minded, non-emotion sharing man to please my father. I was even submissive in “rough” relationship because I believe that was what I deserved. I did all these things to please others. But I am learning to live again. I am surrounding myself with people who are loving, and supportive of Shawn and myself.
Maybe I need someone to be firm like Red, and out me like he does. I want to hold Shawn’s hand so many times, but I hold back because I am not sure of my surroundings. Then when the two of us get into the car, I find out that it would have been fine. I just want to have others say, “You know what Chris, I’m glad you’re with Shawn. You two make a cute couple, I hope you two do well.” Is that too much at ask? Is it really all that bad to have a friend call you dog balls or Jr? Is it all that bad to have your boyfriend hold your hand in public and call you mini-muffin? If you have any comments on this, leave a comment, and tell me.

Why I Love Shawn

Where do I start? There are soo many reasons, and before you say sex, yeah, it's good, but that's not why. I Love Shawn because he's a good listener. He's there to call me on my shit when I need it. He's gentle, but firm(not in the pants) when I need it. Shawn makes me laugh, and makes me want to wake up each and every day. He takes my breath away, and puts a smile to my face. But most of all, Shawn is my other half, and my best bud. I love him with all i am.

Time really does fly when you're having fun.

So I got a e-mail from my daddy Red, and a weird one from some random guy on the same site that i met Shawn. So i wanted to see who was looking at my profile, and I kept looking back, 63 day ago, to be exact, was when Shawn first looked at my profile. It was about 70 days back that I first looked at his, he took a week to reply. I can't believe that I am so in love and so connected with a guy in such a short amount of time. Just about two months ago we met for the first time face to face, and Shawn actually asked to hold my hand. Here I was used to the "dom top" type of guys taking control, and here he was asking to hold my hand. Was I scared, hell yeah, but he was cute, and his smile just made me melt. Shawn even asked if I would object to him kissing me, I said no, IT was fine, and there in the parking lot of the Mall of NH, we shared our first kiss. Like the song says, "You(he) had me from hello." By the end of the date, I was saddened with the thought of going home, but I had a burning desire in my heart. I looked Shawn in the eyes, held his hand(I'm sure they were shaking), and asked if he would be my boyfriend. Obviously Shawn said yes, and I was ecstatic. Thus started the beginning of our journey and relationship. Here I sit at the computer and think about the past two months. Alot has happened, and alot has been shared. There's even been alot of growth, on both sides of the relationship. We are even growing together as a couple, which is something i always wanted, but never thought I would find. Now Two months later since our first meeting, I gave Shawn a card, with (to my shock)the exact words I wanted to say, and I once again asked for his hand in a committed partnership. Yes, ladies, I did offer him a ring, a Celtic knot ring, that symbolizes a man's journey through life. To this day I am in Shock of where I am now, but I am not complaining. I could not be happier. Will I be the one to propose? Who knows, John you have to have my back on that one. Maybe Shawn will, but What I do know is this, I am opening up more to Shawn Than I have my own family. He really is becoming my other half. Shawn if you're reading this, I love you with all of my heart!

Amazing Grace

When will we as a society see that all men(and women) are created equal? There is no The wife shall be submissive to thew husband, or vice versa. There is no, I love Shawn so I there for should settle for a second rate citizen placing. I paid my bues, and filed for citizenship like every other immigrant of this country. We call it the land of the free, and home of the brave. I say it's about time, the brave stand up for what is right, and Really make this country free.

Adoration

Maybe Dignity is the answer for me. It boggles my mind when I think that just three years ago I was "ordained" in my local parish as a canidate for the priesthood. No I do not folndle little boys, I fondly old men. But all joking aside, I try to keep a faith of some sort. I cannot see myself just dropping everything as if it was a hot pan. the following video is of adoration, when Catholics bow and pray before the blressed sacrament. The song is I surrender. Three years ago I balled my eyes out, and was noted by several priests that I was a canidate. Creepy I know, but it's true.

Ah, my FR Chris days, ok not really

Ok, so there's this org out there called dignity, and yes it's GLBT, and yes it's Catholic. Errrr, yeah, my thought exactly. WTF. But I may check it out, they seem cool, the only thing is that I'd be heading back into Boston every week, if I decide to join them. But a chance to meet other gay Catholics, that's cool with me. They even have a music ministry, and if they do contemporary music, I'd be down with that as well. Don't get me wrong, I like choir music, but i never really was a choir boy in church, I always was into the screaming guitars, and chugging bass. Well these vids represent what my church was like. These vids are from a Catholic church, and if you look closely in the first vid you'll see the blessed sacrament on the altar. This praise and worship service is known as XLT for exaltation. If you want to know more check out lifeteen.org.

Good humour

Three men were scheduled to be executed before a firing squad.
One was a muscle bear, one was a leatherman, and one was a blond twink.
They were beginning to be worried because no pardon had come from the governor.
The firing squad was imminent.

The bear suggested, "Right before they get ready to shoot us, let's shout out the name of a natural disaster and then run for our lives! Surely we'll be safe from the bullets that way.......'
All three men agreed.

It came time for the bear's execution, and the commander of the firing squad barked out the order,
"Ready! Aim!" and the bear yelled out "Tornado!" and ran for his life.

Next, it was time for the leatherman's execution, and the commander of the firing squad barked out the order,
"Ready! Aim!" and the leatherman yelled out "Hurricane!" and ran for his life.

Lastly, it was time for the blond twink's execution, and the commander of the firing squad barked out,
"Ready! Aim!" and the twink yelled out "Fire!"


NEW DRUGS

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to
hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. PAPA'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats Daddy's depression by rendering partners unconscious for up to two days.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid steroid drink for single men. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases cock size and body muscle mass, decreases intelligence, and prevents sexually transmitted disease.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-twink-otic for older men. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person and go to college. Can we get naked now?"

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a partner who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or name.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in your wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators and, of course, your favorite cruise bar.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or partner, provides the same irritation level as bitching at him.

I have a snickers

Which Penis Do You Have?

The Excedrin Penis: It's thhhhiiiiiisssss big.

The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you.

The Magnavox Penis: Smart. Very Smart.

The Life Call Penis: Its fallen and it can't get up.

The American Express Penis: Don't leave home without it.

The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis: How many licks DOES it take...?

The M & M Penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.

The Lucky Charms Penis: It's magically delicious.

The Energizer Penis: It keeps going and going...

The Right Guard Penis: Anything less is uncivilized.

The Campbells Soup Penis: Mmm mmm good.

The Kix Penis: Kid tested, mother approved.

The McDonald's Penis: Over 8 billion served.

The Ragu Penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest.

The All-State Penis: You're in good hands.

The 7-Up Penis: The UN-penis.

The Barq's Penis: The one with bite.

The Beef Penis: It's what's for dinner.

The Bud Lite Penis: Great Taste, Less Filling.

The Twizzler Penis: It makes mouths happy.

The Starburst Penis: The juice is loose.

The Timex Penis: Takes a lickin' and keeps on...

The Burger King Penis: Have it your way.

The Wendy's Penis: Where's the beef?

The Lay's Penis: Betcha can't eat just one.

The Little Ceaser's Penis: Penis!! Penis!!

The Bounty Penis: The quicker picker-upper.

The Domino's Pizza Penis: Deliver's in 30 min or less.

The Rice Krispies Penis: What does your penis say to you?

The Extra Penis: Lasts an extra extra long time.

The Charmin Penis: Dont squeeze the penis!

The Windows ME Penis: If you ask it to do too much, it'll crash.

The Virginia Slims Penis: You've come a long way, baby.

The Secret Penis: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

The Sanka Penis: Good to the last drop.

The Payday Penis: Its almost totally nuts!

The Yellow Pages Penis: Let your fingers do the walkin'.