Monday march 17th Random thoughts, sorry.

So I woke up late this morning, like around 9ish, my ma had already left for work, so i decided to call her, and take her out for lunch. I felt bad about not doing so on friday(i fell asleep). She said yes, and i figured it's a good way of being civil with her, I mean who can pass up free food. It pains me to know that she, for now, won't give my Shawn a chance, but i am doing ym bestto keep a positive mind. Shawns told me that she'll be a PFLAGer in a few years, but as of right now i don't know. This is the woman who pulled me aside at a 4-H event and told me not to make a scene. Urr, ma if you knew/remember anything about me I'm usually the laidback type of guy. Sicne when would I cause a wave. Her response to that was, well you seem to be at the point in your life. First of all, no all of us go through that point, and secondly, why the F would i do that. How many straight people to you know that walk into a room, declaring to the room declaring that they are straight. If you kow anyone who does this i honestly would question their sexuality.
So lunch with my mother was civil, but not without it's weird moments. When I mentioned Shawn's God, she replied with a "Who's Shawn, oh, him......(akward face.) Ma, I'm not fucking him in public, he's my love, and someday you'll have to accept the fact that you son is going to hell and is a faggot. Gawd. `I know my blood pressure is rising and my health must be dropping, but what can I do. I know of no jobs that are not security, and know that i couldn't afford to move ou8t on my own. My mother looked at me when i said that i was stressing, and said you're not stressing. Well ma, if I am not stressing why was it that i balled my eyes out and went into a fit at Shawns. Why is it that I always question my value as a person, and am on edge when it comes to me being me. Why is it that i feel like i cannot go out anymor in fear of being bashed, or feeling like I"m letting you guys down. I was ok with myself until you and dad decided to throw religion in my face. For so much of my life, I grew up catholis, hell botrh of my e-mail adresses start with "Catholic." Now i am seeing the evil the church is doing. I am not talking child molestation, many groups have that proble, the Catholics were only the fore runners in that issue. What I am talking about here is the splitting up of Family. I believe that God made me who i am. I also believe that certian events in my life supported, or fostered my feelings more. It is the combinatin of the two, that I believe is the reason as to why i am who i am. My father called me today on not being a Catholic. He said that I wasn't going to Mass, praying or practicing my faith. I'mn sorry dad, but since when is it ok for another man to judge my faith. I do not go to church, personally I"ve always had issues with the crowds, yeah I know it sounds weird, but i always paniced in church. And RE: prayer, i do not sit/kneel and say XYZ many Our Fathers, or Hail Marys, but i do look up to heavemn and i do talk to my God like a friend. The Christians and Charismatic Catholics(my church) state that everyone needs to have a personal relationship with God. I'm sorry, but I do not call Bill, or John up with a pre-recorded message, telling themm what my thoughts are. I do call them and tell them what's on my mind right then and there. Isn't that what love is about? The Catholic Church is taking the personal out of "Personal relationship with God." Am i denying my Faith? No, I still consider myself Christian, but I guess you could say agnostic is more along the lines. Sooner or later I will be out of the hell hole, and my folks will wonder why I don't come back. They will cry, and call, but i will refuse to answer their calls. Shawns talked with me about forgiveness of parents, but right now i can't even see being in the same roonm as them for extended periods of time. I am glad I work nights as it keeps me from being around them too much.
If I sound like an angry man I am. My folks drive me to insanity at times, and I know they'll be the death of me. The reason for my previous attempts was my parents. They use their faith as a way of "healing and moral judgement." But since when is it ok to put a football game infront of your depressed son. When is it ok to see a pileof rope in your depressed son's room, and say nothing of it. If i were to kill myself, I know the police would look into why it happened. They would ask my parents if they say any signs, and I bet you any money they would deny any signs. If you are reading this, I am not suicidal. I have the love of my life, and he's all i need. ALL my friends, and I mean ALL of then are stressing me out. A particular frined keeps telling me how much he loves me, and i cannot stress how much that creeps me out, I'm sorry, but it's true. Yes we were "close" at one time, but John doesn't say "Chris I love you." Fuch even my own Effin mother fails to do so. I just hate that, I'm sorry. My family who i thought was behind me, is not questioning my sanity, and emotional state. The only one who is not bothering me, or questioning me is my former daddy, Red Elk. Daddy, if you see this, I love you, and thank you. All I want is a good Job, and a stress free life. And right now I am running to my whits end. Well Ialm working myself up, and i am beginign to feel it. I will sign off for now, but will post more later.