A lone wolf's new life, for real

So yesterday I came home from my Boyfriend's home, and like i do every week, I prepared myself for "real life." I am always on a high at his place, and no, I'm not talking about the sex, though it is good. I am talking about the simple fact that I feel at ease there. Though his sister tried to bake me like an over stuffed apple pie, I was welcomed for a second time at her home. Maybe it was because I brought food, nah, the feelings were genuine. My biggest fear is meeting other people's families, but Shawn is showing me that is nothing to worry. Hell his nephews, niece et al were warm and friendly. Yes I was my dorky self, but i know they'll be other times where I can shine and show them the real Chris. The Chris You guys know, and the one only a few know.
As for Shawn and myself? We have a long journey ahead of us, and there's going to be some challenges. Mostly my giving up of control. If you have read my previous posts, you'd know that I take the more submissive role, but this is not true in my life. I am an anal Capricorn(keep your mind clean). I need to have my ducks in a row, and know what's going on after the current situation at hand is complete. I am not a total control freak, but I do like to have order and a sense of control in my life. I believe this comes from being adopted and growing up feeling like I had no say in where i am now. Well back to Shawn. Shawn doesn't plan his weekends, and this is when I come up to spend time with him. Can you see where this is going? Yeah, I thought so, I totally freak out when we get into his car, and I ask "where are we headed? and he replies with a "I don't know." AGH!!!!! He knows this get me, but then again, I know that I need to trust him.(another hang up from being adopted) Shawn and I are building up some great trust, but all this trust is worthless if I do not communicate to and with him. Yet another hand up, growing up, I learned to put up a mask of masculinity up. I did this so no one would know the real Chris. I was trying to protect myself from the days when I was being beaten up on the playground (thanks Catholic Schools). I know not sharing is hurting my emotional and physical health. And yet while I have trouble opening up, i know it is critical to any and all relationships. Once again I am learning to Trust Shawn, and his willingness in the relationship. We had an intimate talk Sunday evening and yes my eyes watered up. He held my head, looked me straight in my eyes, and read my feelings. Gawd I Hate it when some one can read me. Well he hit the mark, and saw that I am scared. Like a little child, I am scared of the unknown. I am worried and not sure of myself. But while I feel like I am a failure, and like i can't do what I know must be done, there's a strong man hidden inside of me. With time, and encouragement from my friends, I know this man will come out, and will allow me to grow into the human I know I can be.
WE have promised our love for each other, and yes, yet again my eyes watered. Shawn has the best eyes, and when he makes eye contact with me(or when I get the balls to look him in the eyes) his eyes go right through me. I have found a set of rings I found appropriate for us, and i hope he'll like them. They are matching because what I lack in, He's strong in, and Where Shawn is weak, I an strong. The message behind the rings will be revealed once I have them, and present them to Shawn. BTW, Boo Bear, I know you'll be reading this, so, no, you won't find out either.
Well I'm headed back to drum composition(yeah). I'll catch you all on the flip side.

Slante'