Letter to mom

Ma,
I wanted to start off with letting you know that I love you. I know that you and dad took a risk in adopting me, and were willing to take on the possible challenges. For that I am forever thankful. I know that you are stead fast in your view of homosexuals, and I know that you say that you never will accept my relationship with Shawn. You've kicked me out of the house several times, and then wonder why I stress over my life. You ask me why I remain Catholic, stating that the Bible says that "homosexual acts are wrong." Well I remain Catholic because the very men you say uphold the teachings have told me that I can be Catholic and a homosexual. Do I practice my faith like everyone else? No, I believe in God, and deal with him in my own way. After all isn't that what a "personal faith" is all about?
You always mention the fact that you think I am not happy, and you talk about how you always cry because of this fact. I plead with you to please open your eyes, I could not be any happier. I have a solid friend in John and I have a man who loves me, and treats me like a man, and not some sex toy. Yes, ma, I did have my one night stands, and I did get used by others in the past, but that was also when I used to think little of myself. I used to believe that I was only good for the pleasure of another, and nothing else. I allowed this idea to fester in my mind until I began to entertain thoughts of being some one's slave. Now how would you feel if I allowed myself to go down that rout? Instead, I decided to look at myself as a whole person, and realise that if someone didn't like me for me, than they were not for me. I know I am worthy of love, and I am finally in a true equal relationship. We are not based on sex, or even what "package" we have, rather we are based on a mutual respect, and enjoyment of each other. You and dad both stress strong communication skills between both sides of a relationship, well I want to let you know that Shawn and I posses such skills. If something bothers one of us we talk about it, and work together on the issue at hand.
You may start thinking about my straight relationships now, and you may even consider me bisexual. Sara would never of worked, I was only interested in her physically, and i just cannot bring myself to do that to a woman. I cannot and will not share such an intimate feeling and act with a person i do not love. Katrina was my try at being a straight man. I was denying the fact that I liked men, and found myself thinking of men when i kissed her. Were these relationships/feelings false? I do not believe so. I know I had genuine feelings for both of them, they were just not marriage material feelings. Now how wrong is that. I was not giving my full self to her, and i hurt her in the process. Now ma, would you really want me to pretend to be your straight son, and be miserable all the time?
I know that i may never bring you to accept Shawn, so You have my word that I will not press the issue with you. I do find it sad that I was welcomed into his family by his father and sister(and her family) and you won't even give Shawn the courtesy of meeting him. It hurts me to know that you could be so cold to someone i care about so much. I know that in your mind you must be thinking, "here's Chris with his next boyfriend of the month." But since when has a man made such changes in my life? If you don't think there are any, look at my sugar levels, they drop by 100 points when I'm with Shawn. I thought being Christian and Catholic was about Hating the "sin" and not the sinner. Christians also believe that it's not a sin if you truly believe that what you are doing isn't wrong. For example, I do not believe that my relationship with Shawn is wrong. I am not saying this because I want to be in a relationship with him, rather I say this because it's such a natural emotion. My feelings, and emotions for Shawn are very much like how yours were when you met dad.
Well That's it for now, please read the following lyrics, and know that the child you knew is not dying, but changing and a new man is rising from the ashes.

I'm gonna clean the house
I'm gonna fix the fence
In my final hours
I'm gonna tie up these loose ends

I wont leave a note
For anyone to find
Tomorrow they'll know
What I've done here tonight

[Chorus]
The drastic steps I've takin'
Are just an act of desperation
I knew no one would miss me
So what the hell
I fought and lied I drank too much
Hurt every one I ever touched
Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell
This is not some kind of cry for help
Just good bye I wish you well
Because I love you
I'm gonna kill myself

Now who is that
In my easy chair
Now wait a minute
That's the old me sittin' there

And I thank God
The devil in me died
I stand before you now
A man changed and alive

[Chorus]

Gonna clean the house
Gonna fix that fence
In my final hours I'm gonna tie up these loose ends