A lone wolf's howling for his pack.

There comes a time in every young animal’s life, when the parents, force the young from the nest, or den. Birds will turn their nests inside out, or may even push their young straight out of the nest. Wolves will separate from a male who crosses the pack’s order. Rabbits and cavies eat their young if they don’t leave. In the same way as animals force their young to leave, so do human parents. Well, so human parents don’t eat their young, but they do kick or force their children out and off into the big world.
Almost every day I am faced with yelling or hatred from my own parents regarding my sexuality. I am told that I am sinning, and there is no way I could possible truly love Shawn. I’m sorry, but as a gay man do I have any right to say that a man cannot ever truly love a woman? Then why should they have the right to say so? (Out side of freedom of speech) They forced me into reparative therapy when I was a teen and that only made me depressed. I was out there trying to hurt myself, and I just didn’t give two sh*ts about anything. I did the straight thing, I had a girl, and I held her hand in public, hell I even made out with her in Boston, on some stoop. Ah young love, what a beautiful ignorance! After my now Ex and I broke up (I came out to her), I chased several other women. What the hell was I thinking? Here I was, I broke up with my girlfriend of the time, because I was gay, and now I was still chasing girls. My parents believed that I was confused, and they prayed that I would turn straight. The thing is that I always knew that older men interested me, and that I would eventually end up with a man. I was in reparative for 5 years, and for a while, I was sober from my “wrong doings.” I am a strong believer in the 12 steps, and before you say I am bashing support groups, take a second look. I do admit that I was a sex addict at the time. I did need an intervention of some sort, and while this group wasn’t really for me, I was able to take the goals, and apply them to what I needed to address. Now 5 years ago I was 17, and you may be thinking, ok, he was young and horny, but no matter how horny you are, there’s nothing normal about finding 4 or more men to hook up with in one day. I can remember the day well, it was like the front door was wide open, as soon as one guy got off, and left, the next would arrive. Talk about being a slut. I new that if I continued my sex life like that, I would contract a STD, or worse, end up dead, because I had little info about the men I was meeting. I really did need the help I received. So now I am done standing up for my folks. I love them, sorta, but they are my parents, and they do not understand what it’s like to be gay. Given my history, I do understand why my parents think all gay men are sluts. I mean, turn on the TV, and its gay sex this and gay sex that, you never hear about a gay couple holding each other, because one partner is weak and needs support. You don’t hear about the heart to heart conversations that happen, when one partner is afraid to go back home. You do not hear about the fear some gay men face, when it comes to interacting with their family at home. As I said before this is my daily life, this is not being posted so you will feel bad for me, rather so you will know that not all gay men are proud with easy lives.
Now on to the topic of this blog, what does it mean to have a family. For me, family is the group of people you surround yourself with. For me, this group is a motley crew made mostly of Shawn’s family, Mike, and my buds John (with Tara) and my “dad” Red. Do the math, that’s three personal people who support me on my side. Now the road of life is a bumpy road, and there’s no easy way to navigate it. What we can do is listen to those who are more experienced than we are. Red was the first guy to have me top him and take a more dominate position with. This was not done to be a power trip, and though it was sexual, there was more behind this. Red knew of my past, and has another boy who had a similar history. But the time came when Red and I had to move on. We are still a daddy/son pairing, but are totally plutonic. Even when Red and I met for dinner, I knew I was going there for dinner only, but Red could have had other plans. He could have made up some sort of excuse, like wanna see how clean the cab is? But Red respected my boundaries, and the relationship between Shawn and me. This is not to say we didn’t have our “gay moments,” like when the waiter said, your food is coming, and Red replied with a “so am , heavy breathing and all.” My face was red, but it was all in good fun. He poked fun at me with a “Jr. you forgot how fun it was to eat out with your daddy eh?” I just smiled and blushed. When dinner was over, we shared some more chit chat, he hugged and kissed me good bye, and we went out ways. Could you ask for a better gentleman? Now enter stage right, Shawn, my boo bear. Where I am weak Shawn is strong, where Shawn is weak, I am strong. I have no doubt in my mind that he is my man, and my future husband. I see myself growing old with him, and I see us building a great life together. With Shawn I have a reason to live, and I have motivation to dream and plan. But this is where the trouble comes into play. Because of my family’s stand on homosexuality, I deal with being in or out of the closet on a daily basis. Now I am out, just read any of my blogs, or pages, but there are times where I have to F*cking hide the face that I am gay, just to please my parents. I love Shawn with all of my heart, and he makes me smile and laugh all the time, I even open up to him in way I never allowed myself to before. Yes, he was a cop, and yes I do have a uniform fetish, but that is not why I love this man. Having been a cop and yes married, Shawn is the best match for me. He knows when something is bothering me, and I have even shared some of the hell I went through when my sis was in DSS. He is understanding and is willing to help me. I am learning to let go of my fears, and allow life to take me where it wants. I worry on a daily basis about myself living up to the standards of a “good boyfriend” and question my worth as a husband. But Shawn is steadfast and stands by my side. For that I am forever thankful. All my life I’ve had to meet some standard or another, in grade school I toughened up, so I wouldn’t get my ass kicked. In middle school and high school, I became ghetto to avoid being beat up by the gangs in the local areas I hung out at. I became a closet minded, non-emotion sharing man to please my father. I was even submissive in “rough” relationship because I believe that was what I deserved. I did all these things to please others. But I am learning to live again. I am surrounding myself with people who are loving, and supportive of Shawn and myself.
Maybe I need someone to be firm like Red, and out me like he does. I want to hold Shawn’s hand so many times, but I hold back because I am not sure of my surroundings. Then when the two of us get into the car, I find out that it would have been fine. I just want to have others say, “You know what Chris, I’m glad you’re with Shawn. You two make a cute couple, I hope you two do well.” Is that too much at ask? Is it really all that bad to have a friend call you dog balls or Jr? Is it all that bad to have your boyfriend hold your hand in public and call you mini-muffin? If you have any comments on this, leave a comment, and tell me.